Plans

K and J had to go home… I am on my own.  My doctor thinks I will be okay as long as I start eating and sleeping.  If I don’t my brain won’t be able to fight back from anything.  I have to make a plan to make it all work for myself.

I have another appointment tomorrow.  My homework is to eat several meals before tomorrow.  That seems an insurmountable duty, like swimming across the ocean… before tomorrow.  I have to sleep, too.  Sleep is sad and lonely and I don’t want to do it.  It is like dying.  I put it off until I can’t possibly anymore and then I rest lightly and wake up as soon as I can.  You’d think I’d be more amenable to something that felt like dying, but dying’s appeal is in the escape, final and permanent.  Sleep is a liar, its escape is imperfect and temporary.

I’m supposed to stay away from M and R, too.  I don’t know why they have to be capable of great kindness, and love… it would be easier if they weren’t, if they were only bad.  But they’re not.  They’re not even any bad, they are broken and sick.  Both of them.  Just in different ways.  It makes me very sad because they are good inside them.  But their broken parts break me.

I am afraid that I don’t deserve someone who is good and not broken.  I’m not sure such a thing exists… maybe the greatest good only comes in people with the greatest brokenness because otherwise it would be out of balance.  Maybe I have to settle for gray, middle of the road, not wonderful, not terrible, flat and safe…

I’m not supposed to write much more in this blog today.  I am supposed to focus on food and sleep and homework only.

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