Priorities

One of my students’ brothers was shot to death this week.

I’m homeless.

My cat died.

Two of my best friends are dying, another has gone to ground and a third has betrayed me and, more importantly, his family and his child.  I don’t know how I could have believed in someone who had it in him to do such a thing as that.  I really am just furious and hurt at my own stupidity.  I feel like a fool.  Again.  For trusting.  For believing.

I don’t know why I do that.

Another friend even asked me that tonight.  I was talking about this issue and I said, “I thought I could trust him,” and he said, “Why?”

It seemed like such a harsh thing to say it took me back for a second so he repeated it, “Why would you think you could count on this person? He has never given you reason to believe he was dependable, and every reason to believe that he isn’t.  Why did you believe he was something he never gave you any indication that he actually was?”

And it’s true.  It’s not like he really betrayed my trust.  Words don’t mean anything.  Actions mean everything.  He said the right words, but his actions belied them and always have, and yet I chose to ignore the actions and believe in the words.  That was not a wise choice.  And I’m smart enough to know better, so I really have no business being angry with him, my anger is between me and myself, I suppose.  He is being what he has always been, he has never, by his actions, given me a reason to believe he was more than this.  So I chose to be blind and now I want to be angry that that choice didn’t work out well for me.  That’s not very reasonable, I suppose.

My student lost her brother this week.  He was shot to death.  And… shouldn’t that just trump everything else?  Why do I live and work in a world where a teenager being shot to death isn’t shockingly unbelievable, and yet a man abandoning his family when he promised me he’d never do such a thing, leaves me in stuttering disbelief?

A child is dead. It’s sad, it’s tragic, I sometimes just cry because… because of this being that world.  But I’m not shocked, stunned, staggered with disbelief… I am not screaming “How could this unthinkable thing possibly happen??”  It has become expected.  I expect more students or family of students will be killed by violence before the year is out.  I don’t want to believe it.  I want to pretend it’s not true because maybe by burying my head it will somehow prevent these tragedies, but… when they happen, I will be crippled by sadness, depression, frustration… but not disbelief.

What’s wrong with this world that children being killed in the streets doesn’t shock me anymore?

What’s wrong with me that I work in that world and still believe that people are good people and that down deep they won’t do horrible, selfish, terrible things like abandon their families… and me… based only on the words “I promise.”

I seriously have my priorities out of order.

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