Responsibility

A recent conversation with a friend revealed a common assumption and misconception about how my relationship with Sir (or any similar dynamic) works. It’s a misconception that even exists among people who do this thing that we do. And that is a dangerous thing.

I have since heard this false assumption from two other people who should actually know better. And that pisses me off.

So, let’s get this straight.

I am responsible for my own actions. Period. The end. I am an adult. I am capable of making my own decisions about my life. I am responsible for making those decisions and handling the consequences of those decisions. I choose to give DJ authority in my life, and he and I choose to use punishment as an additional consequence for certain of my decisions. But THEY ARE MY DECISIONS. He doesn’t control me. He isn’t responsible for me. I am an adult. If I weren’t an adult fully capable of making my own life decisions, I wouldn’t have the ability to consent to this kind of relationship.

So, people who tell themselves or each other or anyone else that they are submissive because “she/he makes me be a better person” then you better mean it in the same way vanilla people do when they say it. Because it is not true literally. Kink isn’t guardianship. It isn’t a power of attorney. And if you are somehow confused about that, then you have no business consenting or accepting someone’s consent, because you are literally saying that the submissive is not capable of making their own decisions. *That includes the decision to consent to a relationship.*

If you aren’t capable of functioning as an adult without a dominant telling you what to do… if you aren’t capable of feeling fulfilled in life without parenting another human being… then you absolutely aren’t healthy enough to choose a D/s relationship.

So when DJ tells me to go to bed, it’s because he chooses to exercise the authority to tell me what to do. Authority that I give him. Authority that we have negotiated over the course of years together. He *tells me* to go to bed. When he feels like it. Some nights he ignores my bedtime completely. Or he gets busy. Or he’s in a bad mood. Or he’s tired. Or he just doesn’t feel like exercising his authority that night. Guess what? I still need to go to bed. Because I’m a fucking adult who is responsible for getting up and going to a fucking adult job in the morning.

And sometimes I don’t go to bed. Sometimes I don’t go when he tells me to. Sometimes I don’t go when he doesn’t tell me to. Sometimes I go without him telling me to. In any way, that’s my decision. Authority is not control (another thing people are woefully uneducated about). He has the authority to tell me to do something. He has the authority (that I’ve given him) to enforce certain consequences if I don’t do that something. He doesn’t have control over what I choose to do. I have that control. Unless I am literally tied down or he is physically restraining me, he isn’t in control of my body or my decisions. And we have a bloody 24/7, TPE, owner/owned relationship. He still doesn’t *control* my choices or my body. I do.

That is what submission means. It means I *choose* in every interaction whether or not to concede to his authority. I *choose* to obey. I *choose* to go to bed. I *choose* to eat or log my meals or show up on time to work or stay up playing Candy Crush… I *choose.*

Now, if I consistently chose not to obey him, we’d probably have to have a serious talk about the nature of our relationship. If he began to feel dissatisfied with my choices, we’d have to talk about whether this is working for both of us. I owe him the same thing if I become dissatisfied.

Because I have a commitment to him and to our dynamic, most of the time I choose to obey him. Sometimes I screw up. Sometimes I choose not to obey. Sometimes I try and fail. Sometimes shit happens. But it’s my choice. He isn’t responsible for it. If I get a speeding ticket, I’m the one that has to show up in court, not him. If I fail to pay my bills, I’m the one going to collections, not him. I am an adult and I am responsible for my own damn actions, no matter what kind of dynamic he and I have.

And here’s an insider secret. Sometimes he gets annoyed with my choices (and sometimes I get annoyed with his.) Sometimes we argue. Sometimes we fight. It doesn’t happen often. But it happens. Because we both have choices. Because I’m an adult, not his child. Because we are in this relationship together.

Sometimes I don’t obey when I’m supposed to. It happens.

Sometimes he’s annoyed and he doesn’t enforce a consequence because he needs a break from dealing with me. It happens.

But see, I’m not a child, and his role isn’t to mold me into a successful adult. So we have the freedom to be inconsistent when one of us needs to. We talk about it when that happens, because we’re in a healthy relationship. But I’m not going to be “confused” or “damaged” if he is occasionally inconsistent in what he chooses to enforce. Sometimes he needs a damn break.

Sometimes I don’t submit to a punishment. Sometimes I need a damn break.

It almost never happens because we’re both good at talking BEFORE we reach the point where we can’t fulfill our dynamic. But it can happen. And it’s not the end of the damn world. Because we’re damn adults who are capable of understanding that shit happens. We have ways to communicate that we need a break. We have ways to communicate that we can’t handle our dynamic in that moment. And we’re both mature enough to handle that.

And yes, TPE is hardcore. It’s intense. It’s not an entry-level dynamic. We didn’t start out this way. It took us years. And I’ve never had this dynamic with anyone else. It’s just what works for us. That doesn’t mean another relationship is going to look the same way, or have the same expectations, or have the same level of engagement or the same anything else.

And Sir is confident enough in himself and his role and me and our dynamic to not freak out when I disobey. Some people I’ve been with lay their entire identity as a dominant on whether or not I obey every word they say when they say it in perfect compliance forever. Any glitch is like the end of the fucking world for them because “Oh my God, you must not want to be submissive. You must not want me to be dominant. We should just give up now.” For fuck’s almighty sake! It’s fragile masculinity’s codependent kissing cousin, fragile dominance. Get over it. I don’t have time for it. I don’t have trust for it. I am over it. I spent years with a partner who threatened my collar every time I didn’t obey perfectly and it took fucking years for me to trust Sir not to do the same. Thank GOD Sir can handle me not obeying perfectly. Or not obeying at all sometimes. He doesn’t question our entire relationship. He understands that shit happens. And thank God for him and his sense of security in himself. Being perfect all the time is the definition of insanity. Sometimes I’m a shit sub. And thank God because perfectionism literally almost killed me. Thank God Sir doesn’t need me to be perfect lest our entire dynamic be called into question.

Sir is capable of understanding that he *doesn’t control me*. He controls himself. His choices. His actions. I control mine. And we make the choices that make our dynamic work for us.

Anything else is codependent at best, and veering hard into questionable consent more likely.

If you each get off on telling each other that you have no autonomy… If you each get horny at the thought that the dominant *literally* controls the submissive… If you each get your kicks by pretending that the dominant is responsible for raising the submissive into a better, more responsible, more whatever human being… then get your kicks. But DO NOT forget that it is an illusion.

Two consenting adults means both people are adults capable of giving consent. Every day. In every interaction. And capable of withdrawing consent at any point.

Sir depends on my self-responsibility. I depend on his. Without both of us very clear that we are responsible for our own choices, our entire relationship would collapse.

So stop assuming that “in charge of” means “in control of”. And for God’s sake stop equating dominance with parenting.

We are equal, responsible adults. That is the core of how our entire relationship works.