Rubber… Road
Sometimes life gets hard. Sometimes in big ways, and sometimes just in small ways that… still feel so big.
This was my last day with students. It was an emotional day. This was the sweetest class I’ve ever had. Though every class is hard to say goodbye to, this year has been a goodbye with the least mixed feelings of any in my career.
I went out after work with coworkers, then came home. Sir and SB were already home (since I stayed out until six with coworkers). I walked in and realized that something was going on. The guys were in the living room, SB was kneeling, which isn’t usually how they play… it’s… usually something else for him. And Sir’s face was… serious.
I don’t know what was going on. Sir asked me to walk R-dog, so I took us for a long walk and didn’t come back for an hour.
When I got back, Sir was standing in the kitchen with the lights off, drinking a beer. He almost never drinks unless we’re out or have company. I’ve never seen him drink alone.
I didn’t say anything, just went in the kitchen.
He asked me to check on SB, so I did.
SB was in the bedroom, I could tell he’d been upset, but he didn’t want to talk, so I sat with him for a little while, then went back downstairs.
Sir asked if SB was okay. I said he seemed okay. Sir stared at the beer bottle for a long time, then he reached out and I went to lean against him. He put his arm around me.
“It couldn’t wait,” he said in my ear.
I nod, though I’m not sure what he means for sure. I’m guessing whatever resolution he came to with SB… probably an unpleasant resolution. Waiting doesn’t go well for SB when there is an unpleasant resolution needed.
He leans his face against my head. “I didn’t want this tonight.” His voice is thick, but I don’t think it’s from the alcohol. I can feel his breathing hitching in his chest and he sighs.
I didn’t either.
But somewhere buried in the emotional exhaustion of the day and the evening there is a seed of pride.
I’m proud of us. Of all of us. For doing what needs to be done. Even when it is hard. Even when it fucking sucks and it’s the last thing we want to do after a long, hard day.
We do what we need to do for each other and for our relationship and sometimes that sucks.
Being Sir is hard. It means responsibilities that… he didn’t have to take on, but he does.
Being us (SB and me) is hard, it means responsibilities we didn’t have to take on, but we do.
It’s a relationship.
It’s work.
A lot different looking than most other people’s relationships who I know, but… still a relationship with the same fundamental responsibilities…Â Having integrity, doing the work, and sucking it up and doing the right thing, even when you’re not in the mood.
Now, I’m going to go to bed and comfort Sir because… he needs me to be there for him tonight. I’m tired and it’s not what I wanted from my evening, but it is the right thing to do. It’s what he did for SB even when he didn’t want to. It’s what SB has done for me and for Sir, and I have done for him, and Sir has done for me, and
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