Salvage

So… it was sort of a shit day. But not actually as bad as it could have been.

I’m flying solo at the moment, the boys are on a two-night skiing trip – which is awesome for them, they’ve gone three times since Thanksgiving, and Sir, in particular, seems to really need these breaks to deal with life being crappy for him right now… so I’m really happy that they have this opportunity through some lucky happenstances.

But it feels a little weird to be alone in the house. And… for the first time in… well… since 1999, I am completely alone – not even an animal companion.

So, the guys left really early this morning, and I had plans to hang with my bestie, S, who is in town for the holiday break. I went downstairs to set off to her house, and… car wouldn’t start. It would turn over, but the engine wouldn’t start.

Sigh.

I finally got it running, but I was afraid to turn it off. S came over and followed me to the garage (who said they couldn’t promise anything without an appointment, but they’d do what they could) and then S drove me over to her house to hang.

We had a lovely visit and just chatted all day, and… the garage managed to lose my car (they couldn’t find any record of me or the car in their records and I had to exchange four phone calls with six different people before they straightened it out.)

When the garage finally did look at my car, it started fine, so they aren’t sure what’s wrong with it, and by 6 o’clock (closing time) they hadn’t taken it into the repair bay yet.

To top off this awesomeness, the dudebro who was “managing” my account ceaselessly called me, “dear” or “my dear” multiple times in every interaction. My eyes rolled so hard today, I think I’ve bruised the inside of my skull.

So… I have no car. S brought me back home eventually. And I have no idea what’s wrong with my car, or when it will be fixed. And I’m alone and slightly lonely in the house.

But… here’s the less shitty aspects of the day. While S did help me out with transportation today, I mostly handled this shit all by myself. I didn’t have Sir (beyond his helpless texting of support and worry about me), I didn’t have my mom or my brother or my dad – haven’t even told my mom or brother what’s happened (dad’s dead). I didn’t have anyone but myself.

Getting a rental car was going to be a ridiculous pain in the ass, so I figured out (with S’s help) how to use our town’s local bike share program (I can rent a bike and ride to the garage tomorrow if I want to…). I also figured out how to buy a bus pass on my phone and which buses would get me to and from the garage.

I feel a little bit accomplished.

I realized that most adults my age (and many much younger) would take all of this in stride and figuring out a broken down car would just be… another day. But for me… it’s a big deal. I’ve always been trapped in a prison of anxiety and OCD and bipolar and depression and it has regularly made any change in my routines or expectations, any interactions with strangers, any hangups, anything at all absolutely crippling.

But tonight, I’m… feeling a vague sense of anxiety, but… overall… I feel accomplished. Granted I haven’t actually gone out and gotten a bus or a bike, but I feel like I can. I feel like I’ll be able to do it tomorrow when I need to… and that’s… a new feeling for me.

So… I had a shitty, but nice friend socializing day… came home and made dinner, loaded the dishwasher, AND wrote two pages on my Tem and John rewrite project (I’m up to six pages… but that’s another post…)

And… I just chatted with Sir and sub brother for an hour and realized I hadn’t posted this yet… so… time to end this day and go to bed.