Service

There is an aspect of the BDSM D/s world called “service.” This, like everything else, means different things to different people. In general it usually refers to a dynamic or aspect of a dynamic in which the submissive does a type of service for the dominant… like… housekeeping, cooking meals, bringing drinks and rubbing feet, even serving tea in a very formal tea service.

So, service… can mean a lot of things. And some subs and doms don’t prefer or engage in any service activities. Or some submissives follow orders to do domestic chores but don’t identify it as “service”. But really, it doesn’t matter to me what other people do as much as… what I do… and what it means to me. So today, I’m exploring service in my relationship.

If I was just asked cold if Sir and I have a service dynamic, I’d say, a little, but Sub Brother is a stronger service sub than me. I feel like Sub Brother more naturally expresses his submission through service. But here’s the thing… when I dig into that claim, I don’t have very good evidence.

Sub Brother is slightly more naturally organized than I am, and more naturally tidy than I am. But that isn’t service. Sub Brother does proactively do things like bring Sir a drink, serve food to Sir (and me), take care of business things (like taking things to the mail, or picking up greeting cards for birthdays, etc.) But when I pointed that out, he and Sir pointed out that I also do those things. But I don’t think of that as service, I just… want to… make people happy. Specifically, Sir and Sub Brother. And doing little things to help, and noticing Sir’s favorite drinks and snacks, and noticing things he likes but wouldn’t buy for himself, and knowing that he really likes that one shirt and throwing it in with my laundry so he can wear it tomorrow, and… making his or Sub Brother’s favorite food just because… that’s, in my mind, just how I am in relationship with someone I love.

And maybe it isn’t related to my submission. Maybe it’s just my love language.

I don’t feel particularly submissive in doing those things. I feel more submissive in obeying. If I’m not told to do something, then I just choose to do it, so in my mind, I guess it doesn’t feel like submission.

And here’s where the difference is. Sub Brother says that he does those things BECAUSE of his submission. Because being submissive in general to Sir drives him to behave in these ways, and that it isn’t the service, but his submission itself that is his love language, and service is just an outgrowth of his submission.

Which makes me think… is that true for me, too? Is my submission my love language and service is just a part of that?

The weird thing is, that even in completely non-sexual relationships (friends, co-workers), if I trust someone and I feel comfortable and safe with them, I mostly prefer when they are more “take charge” than me. If we’re making plans, I’m more content to go with their suggestions than make my own. I’ve been cleaning and organizing my classroom and my teammate has been coming in and making “suggestions” for things I should do (in terms of throwing out or organizing) and for the most part, I’m fine with it. Sometimes I don’t agree and I don’t do what she suggests, but mostly I do… And she comments that she’s being “bossy” or “bossing me around” and I laugh and say I don’t mind, I like bossy.

But, I do.

But not if it’s the wrong kind, or from the wrong person, or goes too far from what I’d be willing to do anyway…

But within parameters… I’m maybe a little submissive in all of my relationships (with peers). Maybe it is my love language. And… I also like to do random little nice things for friends, like give gifts, or make food, or… send cards… I actually resist that impulse more often than anyone knows because I grew up and realized that 1.) that’s kind of weird for some people, and 2.) As Sheldon Cooper explains, gift giving enters one into a social contract… LOL I realized if I gave people gifts they would awkwardly feel the need to give ME gifts, which wasn’t at all my intention with the gift giving (or other service) so I try to control it. But… I freaking LOVE Christmas! I can buy gifts for all my family. Although I still get in trouble with that whole social contract because I’m supposed to be reasonable and not make people uncomfortable or overspend what they buy for me, etc.

Sigh.

Tomorrow is Friday.

I’ve been working very hard at avoiding thinking about that.

And thinking of all the service I’m going to do to fix Sir after it’s over. LOL Because… fixing it is totally the only way I can function right now.

I might be service oriented after all.