Soap Opera

I feel like that is what this blog is. An endless soap opera that is my melodramatic life.

It’s probably one of those guilty pleasures that some people come here and think, “Oh, hell no, I’m not into soap operas,” but then they start reading and they get hooked.

Except it’s a shitty soap opera because it goes off the air for months on end and then picks up in the middle of nowhere… so… really… I don’t know what kind of masochism it must take to actually follow my shit.

Today… was… better. Objectively. I guess.

I underslept and underate. But I worked out and took a shower. I even put on clean clothes after and brushed my hair.

I didn’t put on shoes.

But I also didn’t take advantage of my temporary state of respectability to go to Walgreens and buy Snickers and Cheetohs… so…

I considered it.

But it was too much effort, so I ate some cherry tomatoes.

Um…

And Sir and I had a talk.

I guess things are a little better in a way, but also not good in a way… But our dynamic is still on just… not the way I expected.

Which I’m trying to deal with.

I’ll write about the conversation better, maybe, tomorrow.

But… we, well, twice this week, actually, broke form to talk, which, I don’t… I don’t actually remember ever doing that in the past five years. It’s like a safety switch that has gathered so much dust, I forget it is even there… because… we don’t need it. We can talk in form, in dynamic, just fine. Neither of us is so influenced by our roles that we can’t have real conversations, so… it’s never been a problem.

But Sir called our safeword (the one for having a conversation out of dynamic)… twice…

He did it a couple nights ago, then he did it again tonight.

But then he called the safeword off, and finished the conversation, and my head is a little weird.

Positive weird, I guess. I actually felt our dynamic come back online when he said that, and I’ve not been able to feel it, feel that energy between us… for a while… even when it was on. I haven’t really felt much of anything.

Which is weird to realize, because… I don’t feel numb. I don’t FEEL like I’m not feeling things. I am not in that heavy place where everything is grey and food tastes like sawdust… I’m in some other weird in between place, where it seems like everything is normal, but… then I realize that it’s not normal like it usually is… like pain still hurts, but it just… doesn’t seem to hurt as much as usual, and I don’t actually care about the hurting. Like things I would normally have feelings about, I just don’t.

Sir says I have to talk to my doctors, but I’ve been telling them this stuff for a long time. Everyone still seems to feel all chipper and positive about my progress… so… Meh.

But then when Sir called our dynamic back on and he said some things that kind of pushed me into a corner, I could feel it again…and I only realized I hadn’t been feeling it when it actually came back to me. Before I… thought… I don’t know what I thought. I didn’t think about it.

But now I’m slightly worried…maybe… if I had feelings… that it’s not going to last. It feels like a tiny spark in an airless room and it’s going to suffocate and snuff out quickly.

I can almost feel it happening already.

Not… pain… not sadness… just… a vague lack of… anything.