Struggling
I’m sure I’ve hidden it so well, no one has noticed… but I’ve been struggling a little bit. Nothing life threatening, just crappy. I’m rapid cycling, but at the low end of the spectrum… so… if mood is a continuum… like a number line… and the distance between high mood and low mood is a constant, like… 20… (which it isn’t, there is no constants, but just for now…) I could go up to a high of 20 and a low of 0… or up to a high of 40 and a low of 20… Higher highs, higher lows. Or lower highs, lower lows… Right?
It doesn’t actually work that way at all. But that’s what this particular round feels like. I’m rapid cycling (so going up and down within the space of an hour), which is actually technically “extreme rapid cycling” because, even with my abnormalities I can’t be normal… Normal bipolar cycles on a months to years range. It is not, as uneducated people assume, wild mood changes. It is long term mood states.
Unless you’re me, then it’s pretty much the stereotype people otherwise inaccurately attribute to bipolar.
Except this round feel like it’s cycling equidistant on the low end. I’m going very low, and only slightly high.
In my therapist’s office yesterday I was having pressure speech and some increased psychomotor activity. I’m also been having periods of flight of ideas, and increased goal-driven activity.
Then I’ve been having periods of depression, which, you know, looks and feels like depression.
Although I realized last night that there are an infinite number of varieties of depression. I think I’m going to add that to my list of topics to write about… The flavors of depression.
Last night I was just curl in a ball and cease to exist depressed. I wasn’t suicidal. I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t really numb, I don’t think. I wasn’t anxious. I wasn’t ruminating. I just felt heavy… like every part of my body had been filled with buckshot and I was just a very, very heavy rag doll. Everything was too much effort. Even thinking was too much effort. I actually sat for a long time just staring at my computer screen and not thinking anything at all. If only I could meditate that well! Unfortunately, it was probably closer to atypical depression than a breakthrough in meditation technique.
I couldn’t bring myself to write anything on my blog. So I went to look for a gif about depression… and so many of them were… other flavors of depression than I had last night. There aren’t really atypical depression gifs. Or people don’t label them depression because… most people don’t understand atypical depression.
Sir has been having a hard time this week. I don’t know why. He hasn’t talked to me about it which probably means it’s work… so he wont’ tell me. But… it’s just… harder. He’s trying to keep me going, but I can tell his energy is dragging, too, and then I feel guilty that he has to extend more energy to try to help me… At least, I feel guilty when I’m having feelings… which isn’t always right now.
I want to keep telling myself that this is just transition to summer instability and it will even out. But… it feels like it’s going on too long. Although Sir pointed out it hasn’t even been a week and I need to calm down. But… so often in my life, saving myself meant catching a slide early, rather than trying to change course once the train is at full speed. So it’s very hard and very axiety-provoking to “wait and see” when I literally know I’m sliding right now.
Sir says that we’re not just “waiting” we’re being active. He’s forcing bedtime again (sleep got a little sloppy), he’s forcing water and regular meals and certain daily routines to try to keep my on a schedule… But it feels like… it’s not enough. Of course, that’s the only recourse I have short of going back on meds, so… maybe I need to deep breathe and drink my water and “wait and see” a few more days.
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