Success. Yay?

I stayed up past my bedtime last night. Again. This daily blogging is going to be really easy if I keep this up, I’ll just copy and paste the post from the day before.

I got spanked. Again.

I was only 20 minutes late last night, and Sir says that’s a big step, it’s been 4 or 5 hours late.

It was still a failure.

I still got punished.

Because I convinced him to keep our dynamic going.

I could tell he really didn’t want to do it last night. I could feel him hesitate before he started. He said he was trying to avoid the worst bruises. The WORST bruises, because, at this point, there isn’t any uninjured part to hit.

For the past several days, spankings have hurt, but I only cried for the first one. Since that I’ve wriggled and whimpered and gritted my teeth, but never got close to tears.

Last night it just seemed… worse.

It seemed like it hurt so much more.

Sir says it was the same intensity, maybe slightly less than normal, but… you know. Bruises.

But I had bruises the day before.

I’ve had bruises since spanking #2 (current count is… 8? 9? Sir thinks it’s 8… but he can’t even remember. This is how much shit has hit the fan). Spankings 3 – 8? all hurt! They all hurt probably incrememntally more than the one before them hurt.

But last night, something completely snapped in my pain tolerance. The pain went WAY up the scale, and I started yelping about twenty seconds into it.

It hurt so fucking much. And it was like I suddenly had no resistance to it. And… I didn’t know how many I was getting. I couldn’t count. I couldn’t tell myself that it was only X swats to get through. Sir gave up on numbers a couple of days ago and just goes as long as he feels like it, now.

I wasn’t full on crying, but I was doing a kind of dry crying, where I’ll kind of make sobbing sounds, but I won’t actually have any tears in my eyes. I was doing that by the time it stopped. Then Sir put me in the corner (he’s decided to add that back because it helps me adjust my brain, I haven’t freaked out, yet, so… yay?)

I have no idea how long because corner time lasts for 4,000 hours, but at some point at probably about the halfway point, I just welled up and started crying for real.

For a few hours (probably thirty seconds, but fuck that, corners are time warps), I tried to hide it. I tried not to make any sound, which is a weird throwback to times when… I was around hearing people. Sir didn’t have his hearing aids in and SB had his cochlear off, neither of them would hear me sniffling or breathing differently, but I still tried to silence it.

The problem was, I wasn’t just crying tears, it was that kind of crying where my whole body would shake, where my diaghram would have some kind of a seizure everytime I breathed, where I literally couldn’t breathe without my entire body shaking.

I tried to press myself up against the walls of the corner to stop it, but… I couldn’t. So then I tried holding my breath.

That lasted all of about one second because Sir had already seen me shaking and he came up to me and put his hand on the back of my head and asked in my ear if I was okay.

And he didn’t mean was I not crying, and he didn’t mean was I not in pain, he meant… was I having a PTSD freakout. Which I wasn’t. I was just so sad.

So I said I was okay.

But he stayed and kept his hand on me the rest of the time until my timer went off.

Then he let me turn around and come to him and I completely curled up/collapsed into him.

I wanted to… climb inside of him somehow, to be completely enveloped, to be surrounded and held and warm and safe.

I cried all over him (he had to change his shirt later… Sorry, Sir.)

Finally, we went to go get into bed for the night, Sir went to change his shirt. I was standing next to the bed waiting for him… and I PICKED UP MY FUCKING PHONE!!!!

I had opened my game and started playing it, and had another window open with Pinterest and was scrolling through it before I even realized what I had done.

I looked up, horrified. Sir was looking at me…like…like he was in pain.

I put my phone down and started to cry again. But then I made myself stop because I didn’t want Sir to think I was too traumatized to deal with the consequences and pull our dynamic again…. So I made myself pull it together. Super successfully. I was taking stupid gulpy breaths and my chest was jumping all over, but… no tears! Yay?

It felt like he just stood there for a really long time, looking at me, and I was almost positive he was going to call it right there. Say, “No more. This isn’t working. This isn’t okay.”

We just stared at each other. Me trying not to twitch like a hyperactive cokehead. Him just…staring.

Finally he came around the bed and took my arm with his right hand and picked up the paddle with his left hand.

All of the spankings so far have been one of the wooden spoons. He had to switch from the larger one to the smaller/lighter one because I was getting too marked, and I STILL go bruises from the stupid little light one.

The paddle doesn’t sting like the spoons. It stings and thuds. Sting is way harder to take short term, but thud hurts deep and it LASTS.

I temporarily forgot that I actually needed to worry about keeping him convinced to maintain our dynamic and panicked a little. He pushed me down and gave me six swats super fast so I didn’t have much time to build up my panic… Yay? It hurt like fuck, but weirdly, almost not as bad as the spoon… at first.

Then, he took my phone and put it in a drawer and got us both in bed and he pulled me up against his chest and he whispered to me, “Please… Please… just go to sleep, baby, please.”

I cried some more.

The six swats hurt, and just kept hurting. Stupid thuddy things. I pressed my whole body against Sir for comfort, and that just made it hurt more, which just made me more sad, so I cried more.

Finally, Sir told me to focus on the color. What color is it? What shape? What texture is the pain?

I couldn’t answer him because it was dark and he was behind me, but he doesn’t need me to tell him, I’m just supposed to think in my head.

The pain was gold sparkles and red zigzags and white sparks. It was prickly needles and purple triangles.

And Sir’s body against mine and his arms around me were… forest green shadows, warm sand, vanilla pine tree bark, and Swedish almond cake.

I did okay today. I was with family and didn’t feel overwhelmed, irritable, short tempered…

I crumbled a little when I got home. I wanted to crawl into Sir’s lap and be held. I tried to control myself. But I’ve been clingy and weepy all evening.

Sir says I’m tired.

Bedtime is in two minutes.

I’m trying to be on time, tonight.

Yay?