Surviving

Sometimes I can do focused posts, like… you know… a real blog.  Where I have a topic, and I write about that topic, and it’s all coherent and shit.

Then there’s the end of the school year.  And all I’ve got right now is survival.

Turns out I have an ulcer.  So… yeah.  I’m naming it after six of my students.

Sir has been having a hard week, and me being sick has been just a huge extra burden on him.  He doesn’t say that and he doesn’t act that way, but I know… I know he’s been scared for me because of little things…  I’ll probably write about them later.

Plus we went to a dance show this weekend at the school where T used to teach and where K’s daughter went for years.  Sir goes back there every so often to see one of their shows.  Just… you know… for memories, I guess.  So… take that as you will.

I feel unproductive because I was going to do report cards this weekend and I didn’t.  Sir says I did enough, so that’s supposed to be enough for me… his word.  Ugh, I just realized I didn’t capitalize “his” which… I don’t do… but for some reason in that moment it just struck me that I hadn’t done it.  I used to hang on Fetlife (online kink forum) and SO MANY PEOPLE would capitalize pronouns for dominant people… and it was like… weird and insulting if you didn’t do so.  Particularly if it was YOUR dominant person.  Some subs even lower cased their own “I” to show their submissiveness.

And I just made myself laugh.  Which is pretty good, since I was feeling depressed.  Sir never spent as much time on Fetlife and he just asked me if that was actually true.  Yes, Sir!  Yes, there were D-types and S-types who were SOOOO TRUE that if affected their grammar and punctuation (there were some people who wouldn’t even refer to themselves in the first person, just “This slave thinks that blah blah blah…”).  I shouldn’t shame other people’s kink.  I’m sure people think me calling my partner Sir is ridiculous and silly, so… YKINMKBIOK.  Yeah…

I actually don’t care so much if that’s their kink, it was annoying the ones who did the One True Kinkster tactic and tried to shame anyone who DIDN’T do it their way as not a “true” whatever (master, slave, dominant, submissive…)  And that is probably what leaves me so bitterly amused and shaming about it.

No excuse, though.  I will shut up my shaming of obnoxious internet people.

And… get on with the self-shaming!

So, yesterday… I went to the dance thing.  That was pretty much my whole day.  I got up early with Sir and sub brother, but I mostly just poked around the house and did nothing except shower and try on clothes until we left.  I’ve lost almost 20 pounds now which means my clothes that haven’t fit since I started treatment almost a year ago (gained 25 pounds in this treatment that was supposed to magically fix what was causing me to maintain my weight… cause… right…), actually fit again.  So I marveled at that for a while.  Then we went to the dance show.  Then we went to the store (I forgot about the store) then we came home and watched White Queen (our current Amazon Prime binge show…)  Oh, and then I wrote some more of Black Fire on this blog, and had anxiety attacks about posting writing…  Fun times.

Then this morning I actually slept in, which I haven’t been able to do in months… I usually wake up by 6 no matter what day it is.  So today I slept until 9, which is wild and crazy.  I didn’t even go to bed that late.  AND I didn’t dream about school.  So all around a win for the night!

Then today… I… did dishes… cooked meals, chicken soup for me, meatballs, and short ribs for the boys.  I… put in a couple of loads of laundry, and, of course, let them sit so now I have to go move clothes to the drier when I’m done writing this because I didn’t time it well…  I… talked to my mom… I… watched more White Queen…

I didn’t do report cards.

I feel like I could be much more productive.  I could use ALL of my time instead of playing around on my phone and watching TV…  I could… but I don’t… and Sir says that’s not the point of life.  That I got things done and I rested and that’s what I was supposed to do today…  But it never feels like that.  I feel like I… should be doing something.  If I’m not going to work, I should be doing writing, or art, or reading, or… anything meaningful besides looking at Pinterest and watching TV…

And a friend on Facebook sent me a Medicine Buddha and prayer and… broke me in messy pieces.  And I don’t even know why.  There’s something there… deep down… tangled in my beliefs, in my practice (non-practice), and I think, strangely… maybe my anorexia.

Another post.

When I’m done surviving.

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