-
Fog
It’s Friday night… it was a long week. It’s been a long summer. I’m tired. Literally. My brain is exhausted. Â Bipolar has been running wild and dancing naked with anxiety and my brain is wearing out… which is not a great thing. Â My sleep has been improving but it’s not perfect, and not enough to help my brain yet.
-
Manic – Part 2 – Moments with Sir
For someone’s birthday… since she wants to know… and because I keep fading to black… Sigh. Happy birthday! This is the second half of Manic. *** The fog of dreams gives way to a replay of last night across the back of my eyelids. I groan and throw my arm across my eyes. It does nothing to stop the flood of memory and I pull my pillow over my face. Sir tugs it away and I cover my face with my hands. “What?” I can feel him shift in the bed beside me but I don’t move my hands. “Me!” He shifts again and I feel his fingers close around…
-
Manic – Moments with Sir
I slip out of the bed carefully, hoping not to wake Sir or Devin. In the dark I can’t see either of their faces, but I hear no change in breathing, no rustle of movement. I pad, barefoot, across the room. The fan above creaks, sending a steady current of cold air across my bare skin. The door opens silently and I close it again behind me. I grip both rails of the staircase, nervous in the blackness of missing a step and breaking my neck, still mindful of how I place each foot lest the house creak and the subtle shift of energy somehow, metaphysically, stir Sir from sleep.…
-
Sensory Processing
My depression has been better for the past several days (finding wood to knock on). Â Sir has been holding a fairly rigid “no screen time” rule during the day and I’ve been (mostly) following it, and I think it might be helping. Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean I don’t have bipolar symptoms. Â Sigh. It’s nice not feeling completely deadened alternating with drowning with depression, but for several days I’ve been struggling with a different, fun symptom – sensory processing disorder.
You May Also Like
Broken Toys
-
The Edge
My fingers move over the keys, not typing, just moving because… I have to move. My legs are twitching, my eyes are too wide, I can feel it but I can’t stop. The depression has been ice in my veins, lead shot in my limbs, defeat, sloth. But now it has been enervated like Frankenstein’s monster, a lightning storm in my brain that gave it a hideous semblance of life. Now it is restless movement, snapping temper, too much light, too much sound… too much… too much… touch… get my fucking clothes off of me NOW!
You May Also Like
Broken Toys
-
Fear
I had a few better days. Today was… shaky, and tonight it’s falling apart. I had therapy today and it was a particularly tough therapy day. We talked about writing, and talked about what Sir and I talked about the other night and… what I wrote, and my feelings, and what’s happening with my depression and my writing and my bipolar… I’m supposed to try to develop softness towards my fear. We identified that I’m afraid of writing, maybe afraid of seeing myself… because writing is… who I am inside, and I’m afraid of seeing that, and the fear is creating the wall, and if I soften to the fear…
-
Froggy-ness
I sometimes worry about the amount of energy Sir has to spend on me. Â Last night I had a panic attack… at 10 at night, when we were all trying to sleep. It’s probably because my asthma was terrible all day and I was pumped full of steroids and I had a lot of work to do today and… perfect storm for not sleeping. But really… he took me from bed and took me downstairs and pulled the futon onto the floor and laid us both on it and then he just did deep pressure on my body for literally two hours until I could almost, mostly sleep… then woke…
You May Also Like
Broken Toys
-
Recovery
So… Â I went on a little technology diet. Â And took sleeping pills. Â Appropriately, not like suicidally – it’s okay, I know I have to clarify things like this. Â Part of being a bipolar brain.
You May Also Like
Broken Toys
-
Midsummer Night’s Mania
It’s July, I made it past the solstice, which is good, the ramping up/more sunlight every day thing is murder for my brain. Â But summer is still hard. Â There isn’t enough structure, even when I and the people around me work to create structure, it’s summer. Â I NEED some unstructured time or I will burn out and not be able to teach in August. Â But I also… don’t function well with unstructured time. Â And even the kind of structure I can create when I’m not working, (making plans, meals out, museum/zoo trips, social gatherings, daily chores, etc.) isn’t as strong as having a work schedule. Â So… Â I struggle. I’ve been…
You May Also Like
Broken Toys
-
Fighting Mania
I’ve been seated (by zombies) firmly in front of the computer. Â Sir was not as amused by my crazy inflatable arm man impression as he might have been. Â Possibly because I smacked my hand really hard on the wall and… kept doing it. It’s spring. Â Yes, despite the three fucking feet of snow outside right now, it’s spring. Â Spring means that the amount of sunlight each day is increasing. Â Increasing sunlight is my brain’s signal to GO MANIC! Â WOOOHOO!! Â Seriously, my doctor told me this every year… “The highest number of hospitalizations for bipolar are always in the spring.”
You May Also Like
Broken Toys