The Difference a Day Makes

So… um… shit has hit the fan in a major way in our household this evening. I’m highly restricted about what I’m allowed to share publicly about this issue, so… forgive, please, the vagueness about to unfold.

So… Sub Brother did something.  He did something really big that, sort of affects all of us.  But he did it weeks ago.  Or months ago, I guess.  And didn’t tell us.

Sub Brother came clean tonight, terrified.  He came up to Sir and knelt, which he does sometimes, but… in this situation, it was like… um… like begging for forgiveness, or offering himself for execution… maybe both, in his mind.

And he told Sir what he’s done.

And when he said it, I felt that cold all over feeling again, like I had last night, but… but… it hasn’t exactly gone away.

Sir has been… weirdly calm. I’m waiting for the explosion, but it hasn’t come, yet. He’s being extremely weirdly calm, like detached.

Sub Brother has been crying.  Alternating between crying and verging on panic attacks.

And…

I haven’t been crying, but I feel panic trying to claw out of me, too.

Sub Brother thinks Sir will leave him.

I keep telling him he won’t.

I’m sure he won’t.

I think.

I hope.

I…

He can’t.

I don’t think he will.

It’s… it’s not… it’s not that it’s that terrible a thing… it’s a little scary, but, we can deal with it, and Sub Brother handled it responsibly, so the actual thing he did is… probably totally forgivable and we can figure it out.

But he… he lied about it.  He’s been lying… for… for… weeks…

The last time I lied to Sir, I tried to kill myself, and he and I almost couldn’t come back from that.

Sub Brother didn’t do anything as bad as me, so… probably Sir can forgive this, but because of me and because of what T. did… being lied to, having things hidden from him isn’t something he deals with very well… especially things that affect my or Sub Brother’s life in a serious way – which this does.

And Sir is being so weird.

He made us all sit down and eat dinner at the table like normal.

He made me pack my lunch and my bag for work tomorrow.

He made me finish the laundry and clean up the kitchen.

He isn’t making Sub Brother do any chores.  After dinner, Sub Brother went to help me with dishes, but Sir told him to sit on the couch, and when he hesitated, Sir said it… really… harshly.  And Sub Brother has been sitting there since.

Sir hasn’t talked to him since then.

He only talked to me to tell me to go change the laundry, and get ready for work.

He is acting like things are normal… other than Sub Brother crying on the couch and me just… wide-eyed tiptoeing around him.  He folded some laundry.   He put the leftovers away from dinner.  He went through the mail.

Oh fuck, I’m going to have a fucking panic attack.

Oh Jesus…

Sub Brother is going to puke.  I… gotta go.