Toxic to Humans

Sir made me erase and start over.  I’m getting annoyed with him.   He says that’s a good thing because I’m calming down…  He should be thrilled with me right about now, then…

So… fucking blog post for Sir.

Ryan once wrote a blog post that he titled Toxic to Humans.  He said his disease made him incompatible with other human beings.  He’s right.  He and I have the same disease…

I hurt someone today because… because I did something I shouldn’t have done.  And I tried to fix it, but when you say something that hurts someone you can’t really fix it.

And then… because of that, that hurt someone else that I care about a lot… and… she… is very hurt.  And… she… can’t hear that, I wasn’t hurt by what she did.  She sees that she did something wrong and that it caused hurt and she can’t see what I’m saying when I say it didn’t hurt me.  And she’s in trouble with her Sir… and I… I’m in trouble for saying what I did to the other person because MY Sir said to leave it alone and come to bed, because he knew I wasn’t stable and I shouldn’t be responding to anyone right then.  But I disobeyed, when I know… when I know my judgment is impaired when I’m not stable.  I know that.  And I know that he is the one I can trust when I can’t trust my perceptions.  I know that.  And then I didn’t…  I didn’t… do what he told me to do.

And because of that, now two people are hurt.  And…  And one of them is my friend and… she’s so hurt because… she’s like me… and she… gets hurt deeply… and… and… she won’t feel safe to be herself now… and I’ll lose her.  In a way.  I’ll lose this person I care so much about because… she won’t feel safe to be herself again, she’ll… be guarded and… and that’s my fault.

And that’s why I’m hurt.  Because I… Because I did all of this.  And now someone I care about so much is hurt forever because of me just… just not… listening.

I do so well.  I pretend I’m normal and healthy, and… almost nobody knows that I’m not.  And even people who know, they don’t really see it, because I work so hard to keep it controlled and contained and only let it escape through controlled channels, only with the people that I… that I can let see it… who… who can take it… and who can help me… but then this weekend I didn’t…

I committed the cardinal sin.  I let my disease show… to people… to friends… and… and then I… I not only let it show but I… I disobeyed the one person trying to protect me from all of this and… and this is what happened.

And, I… feel trapped.

I’m a coward.  I don’t want to face the consequences of my actions.  I don’t want people to be hurt because of me.  I want to act but then them to not be hurt.  I want them to just… stop blaming themselves when I ask them to.  I want… unreasonable things.

I feel trapped.

And that makes me want to hurt myself.

And fucking fucking Sir won’t even hurt me when I asked him to fucking well do it… because… because I want to hurt MYSELF!  I don’t know why you can’t understand that!  Maybe you just want me to suffer because I disobeyed you and this is your punishment, making me sit here and sink and drown and be trapped and never ever letting me escape my guilt…  Is that what you want?

I can hurt myself ways you can’t stop.

I can hurt myself ways you won’t even know about.

You should know by now that I’m a coward and I can’t live with the consequences of my own actions.  I will escape them, I will escape my own guilt somehow… and if you won’t do it and you won’t let me do what I’m asking, I’ll find other ways… so maybe you should make a choice what you think is most important… Sir.

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