Update

Um, because I’m an idiot and didn’t even think of this possibility…  No.  Sub Brother didn’t cheat.  This was not in any way a sexual issue.  It didn’t occur to me that it could be perceived that way until I was talking to Adele today and realized that I should really clarify that.

Sir and Sub Brother have been spending some time and talking thing through and… I now feel that we’ll all come through this problem intact… but it was really really really sucky and scary for a while.

Ironically, in the way that my life is stupidly ironic, now that I’m feeling more confident that we will survive…  Now that I feel like Sir has reclaimed the reins and is feeling back to being Sir and in charge and not… scary… and… not like himself… now… that things are beginning to feel like safety is returning…

Now…

I’m having panic attacks.

Like heaving, crying, hitting myself because the horribleness is too horrible to have inside of me and I can’t do anything to get it out of me and… I… just… need…it… to… stop…

And my thinking getting into these tangled loops and just continuing around and around and I can’t stop it… and I can’t fix it… and I can’t stop trying to fix it… and I hate myself more every time because I can’t… i can’t stop… making everything worse and I can’t stop… I just can’t… stop anything.

I need to stop things.

I need it all to stop spinning.

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