Anxiety

I’m having anxiety.

Probably because I ate a bunch of eggs the last three days.

I’m allergic to eggs. Though, technically, not… because I don’t have an IgE reaction to them. I don’t have an IgA reaction, either, I don’t think… at least the last test didn’t show one.

Despite modern science, however, my body reacts to eggs by making me ragingly suicidal with a shit ton of anxiety.

I didn’t eat the eggs on purpose… at least initially. I bought these almonds, which are by a company that doesn’t use gluten or dairy, so I figured I was safe. They’re almonds!

And… my brain hasn’t been fully online for a while now.

These were cinnamon covered almonds. They use egg whites to make the cinnamon stick to them…

I know this. I’ve made spiced almonds at home plenty of times. I used to always make them with egg whites (now with aquafaba)…

But I didn’t think of it.

So I came home and ate a bunch of almonds… with egg whites.

The next day I realized that… they might use eggs… so I looked at the ingredients. “Egg whites.” Right after “almonds.”

I contemplated throwing them out before Sir could notice. Then I just decided to eat more of them and hide them behind the tea boxes so Sir wouldn’t find out.

Cause… I’m awesome.

Then I ate them through therapy yesterday. But only told my therapist they were egg-y at the end of our session. She strongly suggested I tell Sir. I didn’t.

I ate more this morning. And just now…

I’m riding the edge of a panic attack. I can feel it trying to burst through… stretching my skin like a ghost in the wall…

But all I want to do is eat more almonds.

And not tell Sir, because he’ll throw them away.

Sir can’t punish me right now. Like… nothing. Not even non-physically. We are on absolute nothing. He can’t even punish sub brother right now… because of me. Because I’ve managed to entangle my gynecologist dynamic with my dominance dynamic and now EVERYTHING IS SO FUCKED UP!

I have an anxiety attack if Sub Brother is going to get punished. I have an anxiety attack if spanking porn actors who do this for a living are going to get spanked… My brain has erased the possibility of consent without trauma… I fucking consented to my gynecologist doing horrific things to me! My brain no longer sees the difference between that and Sir doing unpleasant things…. and…

And… maybe if I eat enough egg-covered almonds I can get suicidal enough to kill myself because… I’m just… I’m done.

There’s nothing else for life to take away from me.

I’m wrung dry.

I’m used up.

I can’t even trust my partners anymore.

I’m done.