Needles!
Ugh!
I was diagnosed with pernicious anemia a couple of weeks ago (on top of iron-deficient anemia). That means that my body makes antibodies to the cells that line my stomach. The cells which produce stomach acid and intrinsic factor. Intrinsic factor is a protein which binds to B12 (the vitamin) and allows it to be absorbed into the body’s tissues. Without it, B12 just floats happily through your digestive tract and right back out of your body.
Solution? B12 shots for the rest of my life. Excellent.
Since my autoimmune doctor is an hour drive away, I do the shots myself at home.
I’ve done a lot of shots in my life (I had to do 6 months of B12 about 7 years ago, and 3 months of B6 – which hurts like a mother fucker!) But it’s been a while. And even when I was doing it regularly, there’s always this… moment, for me, of… anxiety… when I’m about to shove the needle through my skin.
I’m not even afraid of needles.
But there is something primal in me that balks at intentionally stabbing something into my body. Probably also a lot of entanglement with my recovery from self-harm, though that was always cutting, not stabbing…
So Sir offered to give me my shot yesterday morning. His former partner, T, was diabetic, so Sir knows his way around needles and has given glucagon and insulin shots, and given a few benzo shots to Sub Brother when things have really hit the fan.
So… sure. Give me my shot. Maybe we can make it kinky. Or not. Really… not.
But he did it in my quad, which is what I asked him to do (I rotate sites). But even though I tried to relax my muscle, apparently it was still tight. The shot hurt like fuck… normally I only feel a little sting when the needle goes in then it’s not bad after that. This one… hurt. And Sir did it slowly and everything. I think my muscle was just super tight.
It hurt after he pulled the needle, and I developed a lump in my muscle. This morning it hurt to put weight on my leg, the lump is as big as my palm, and it’s hot.
I involuntarily flinched and gasped several times at work when I accidentally brushed my leg up against a table or desk. I usually control my pain reactions a lot better than that.
It isn’t Sir’s fault. He did it exactly the way I always do it myself. It was my fault for being tense and for trying to shoot into a tight muscle… my quads tend to just always be tight.
Sir is pretending that he’s being rational and reasonable, but I know he feels guilty. And I know he’s worried. I’m… pretty sure… this is just a “load of medicine in a too tight muscle” issue and it will go away once the medicine absorbs… But fuck does it hurt.
I keep trying to hide it because Sir is already worried and feeling bad about it. But… it’s not going well. I put some ice on it (VERY bad idea) and when I tried to stand up, my whole leg locked up and I almost screamed.
So… We went for a walk. The first half hour I was literally starting to sweat from the pain, even though I was trying to braveface it because the guys were with me… but then the last half mile it finally started to be… slightly less horrible (though still NO TOUCHIES!)
Now I have a heating pad on it (thanks Google!) and hopefully this shit is going to get better soon. Otherwise I’m going to DEVELOP a fear of needles, and… I have to do this for the rest of my life.
Fuck. My. Life.
p.s. When searching for the image above, I ran across a headline – “Vibrating needles may make shots less scary!” Can I just give that one a BIG fuck no! The last thing I need when I have a needle in me is for it to VIBRATE!
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