Anxiety Girl!
This is basically me after I post on this blog… except I can’t, because digital, and… Sir doesn’t let me go back and delete everything every time I post…
And then me if anyone acknowledges that I posted on this blog…
Sigh.
I shared about the nature of my relationship last night. And not even in a very intimate way, but of course, I am now panicking that I said too much… that I shared too much, that now people KNOW how really much of a freak I am…
Today, myy best friend sent me a super supportive and sweet text today (waves at S) and I managed to say “Thank you,” and not add on “I’m sorry you have to know such a circus freak of a friend!” I’m proud of myself for not adding that. Of course, I only managed to not add that because I figured she was being sincere and I would be devaluing her gesture by turning it all into “Shadow Anxiety Sideshow!”
But I was totally thinking it. (Sorry, S! I love you, I really did appreciate the message! 🙂 Because I’m… Anxiety Girl! And the first thought I have when someone says something kind is… “Oh God, they’re trying to placate me so they can run away to a safe distance…”
Which, you know, makes no sense since S lives quite a safe distance from me already… and is much more formidable than I am anyway, so… wouldn’t need to run. 🙂 But… I live in this shell of anxiety and anticipation of rejection and it is an awful and horrible place to live.
Oh, and probably upping the anxiety right now, I also shared this blog with my therapist (waves at therapist), which I had been thinking about for a while and made the choice to do of free will and all that, but still… anxiety… because, gasp, my THERAPIST MIGHT KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT ME, NOW!
I actually tell her the things I post here when we talks, so… again… ridiculously illogical conclusion to reach…
But ANXIETY GIRL!
I can’t actually function well enough to write a real blog post tonight…
I actually woke up with anxiety last night at 2 A.M. and couldn’t get back to sleep. It sucked. 🙁
Sir came home early today and we made dinner, he showered me (it was one of THOSE evenings) and dressed me in a clean T-shirt, and just now he pointed out a bunny on the lawn outside the window and we watched this bunny hop around and eat grass for ten minutes…
I actually felt slightly better for a few minutes.
But then I came back to this and… reality… or at least whatever surrogate for reality is my anxiety brain.
Back to bunny watch!
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