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Responsibility
A recent conversation with a friend revealed a common assumption and misconception about how my relationship with Sir (or any similar dynamic) works. It’s a misconception that even exists among people who do this thing that we do. And that is a dangerous thing. I have since heard this false assumption from two other people who should actually know better. And that pisses me off. So, let’s get this straight. I am responsible for my own actions. Period. The end. I am an adult. I am capable of making my own decisions about my life. I am responsible for making those decisions and handling the consequences of those decisions. I…
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Credit
Sir left me last night with the instruction that there would be additional strokes for every minute after 10 P.M. that I procrastinated coming upstairs. He really should know better by now. C called me on it at about 10:30 and I slunk upstairs. Then I realized that Sir never told me exactly how MANY additional strokes it would be for every minute (I was going on the assumption that it would be two… possibly five, but I rationalized that if it was five, that would be way too many for me being 30 minutes late, so Sir wouldn’t be able to make it five… Logic and a lack of…
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If only I’d known about this sooner…
I wrote a guest post for a friend’s blog. It was a post I had been thinking about but it didn’t really fit here (not kink related, more writing focused). I used kink as a hook and metaphor to introduce the writing topic. Random dude who clearly didn’t read the article: “You just used the word ‘kinky’! Allow me to mansplain kink relationships to you and introduce you to this magical place called Fetlife…” Me:
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Maintenance
In our conversation I told C that Sir is starting maintenance. He’s planning a week, we’ll see if things are stable by next Wednesday. C was unfamiliar with the term, and logically associated it with a car. Which, surprisingly, surprised me into laughter. I’m not sure why that association hadn’t already been at the front of my mind. Why I hadn’t anticipated that confusion and made a different choice than use the term without explanation. Another moment of failed awareness in conversation. I’m doing a hell of a job this week. Maintenance spanking is a thing in some BDSM circles. It’s hotly debated in others. Derided in still others. Doing…
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Control
Things haven’t been going very well. Last night I spun out completely and C caught the brunt of it at a bad time for them and without preparation. I have since been able to dissociate from my feelings enough to postmortem my past five days and I have a fairly solid picture of how and why things went sideways. I also have an almost unbearable feeling of shame and guilt over losing control that way. And it is always compounded by well-meaning suggestions that all seem to involve… not losing control. Yes, if I had control of myself, I would have stepped away/out of the room, I would have taken…
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Burden
Sometimes I think I only write here when I’m sad or depressed or otherwise dysfunctional. It skews my posts to look like my life is an endless stream of awfulness. It isn’t, but I seem to only come here when it is. This week is going rough. And I don’t know why. But I did realize something that may also explain why I post all my angst here. I feel like my pain is a burden that I can’t unload onto the people who love me… and who I love. This week Sir and SB have been going through a thing. It’s their business and I won’t share the details,…
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Unexpected
My friend C is a writer. They post on Facebook and recently lamented the fact that high exposure online has led to a dynamic of many people asking of their time, yet when they complain of this, the people they actually want to have take up their time actually back off to give them more space. I wrote a comment that I wasn’t sure which group I belonged to (give more space or give less space). I tend to give less space to everyone – operating on the default assumption that I am an imposition upon everyone at all times and they only tolerate me in small amounts. But, I…
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Crash
I was doing better mood-wise for a couple of weeks. I was in that sweet spot where I seemed to have enough energy and enough motivation to get things done every day. I was making a to-do list and doing most of it. I was being gentle with myself on the things I didn’t accomplish. All of my therapists thought I was doing so well and really on the “road to recovery.” But there was a little niggling thought at the back of my head that reminded me that this was probably a false positive. This probably wouldn’t last. Then, for the past several days, my energy has become more…
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Broken Toys
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Gratitude – Moments with Sir
Sir sometimes gives me an assignment before putting me into a corner, something to think about, which requires an answer when I’m released. Often it is something like, “What success did you have today?” or “What are you grateful for?” and I have to have a satisfactory (to Sir) response when the timer goes off or the entire process starts over (hell no!) The other night after maintenance AND punishment for being late to bed, Sir sent me with a gratitude assignment. When he released me the first thing that came out of my mouth (which I had thought of but hadn’t intended to SAY, thanks so much ADHD) was,…
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Broken Toys
In the kink world the implements are called “toys” and that’s the terminology we use around here, but we don’t always “play” with our “toys.” Indeed, that is a very specific type of interaction and probably the one we do least frequently (don’t feel bad, we’re good with this!) Punishment can mean a lot more than impact (spanking, paddling, etc.) but for this discussion I’ll be referring to impact activities. What happens most frequently is punishment (yes, actual punishment, as in, if I never earned another punishment for the rest of my life, I wouldn’t be sad about it!) or maintenance which isn’t exactly punishment, but it’s pretty similar and…
