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Scent of Memories
I can still smell him. It will hit me every so often, I’ll step into a room, or just turn in my chair, and I’ll smell him… his soap, his clothes, his shampoo… all of it that made him, uniquely him. D shaves more regularly so he always smelled of his aftershave… T smelled of his soap, I can’t describe it. There’s still some of it in the upstairs bathroom, but I can’t bring myself to go in there…
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Mad World
Some days…
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Untied Strings
Sometimes our strings must come untied…
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Euthanasia
Some times that decision is easier than others. Some times you can look at a situation and it rips your heart out of your chest but you know there is, absolutely, without a doubt, no other course of action but to end it all… Other times… there is doubt. Those are the bitch of a times.
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Quote of the Day – September 6, 2012
People are like locks. They’re really complicated and frustrating. But you can’t force them. You have to take time and be fiddly. ~ Parker (Leverage)
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Depression
Apparently this blog has become therapy for me. Sorry to anyone who actually hoped I would write anything actually literary… I’m sad again. Well I’ve been sad, it never goes away, but tonight hope is fading again. I can feel the depression coming, which is different from sadness. It is. Just…trust a lifetime’s intimate relationship with depression…it is a different flavor than sadness.
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Finding myself again
I cried in therapy today. Only a little. I didn’t think I could… I have this fear that if I let the pain too close it will break through the dam and it will be a tsunami of destruction, that I will never be able to pull it back again. But I let it out a little, portioned it, by teaspoons, and somehow I was able to pull it back again, even though a couple of times I felt it swelling up against the dam.
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The Kindness of Strangers
I am a Buddhist. I believe in it even when I am so far fallen from my path… And I truly truly am… fallen…
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Plans
K and J had to go home… I am on my own. My doctor thinks I will be okay as long as I start eating and sleeping. If I don’t my brain won’t be able to fight back from anything. I have to make a plan to make it all work for myself.
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God Fever
Just believe in God, Shadow. Who wouldn’t want to get right with the Almighty, Shadow? Everybody should believe in God, Shadow. God is perfect and love and light, Shadow.
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