Scent of Memories

I can still smell him. It will hit me every so often, I’ll step into a room, or just turn in my chair, and I’ll smell him… his soap, his clothes, his shampoo… all of it that made him, uniquely him. D shaves more regularly so he always smelled of his aftershave… T smelled of his soap, I can’t describe it. There’s still some of it in the upstairs bathroom, but I can’t bring myself to go in there…

I don’t know if it’s normal to hallucinate smells. They haven’t lived here for months, so, any real lingering smells from them would be long gone, especially as strong as I smell them… as if he’s just leaned over my shoulder to look at the computer screen, or to kiss my temple and tell me we’ll both get our asses kicked if we both don’t get to bed…or just to circle his arms around my neck and press his cheek to mine in companionable silence.

It hit me when I was in bed last night… so strong and… maybe I was tired, or my brain… just isn’t quite working right… but I smelled him and I turned my head, completely expecting, just for a minute, to see him sitting next to me, propped against the pillows, thumbing through one of my books. I really… for a minute… I forgot… and I looked and… he wasn’t there. My cat wasn’t there… it was just… empty… and…I think that’s a cruel trick to let you forget, even for a second just to have the whole thing hit you again like it’s new.

And I just used the last of my kleenexes so it’s time to sign off…of this topic, this computer… time to go to bed. I took a couple of days and didn’t get much done, but at least I did one load of laundry (the no clean underwear dilemma, at least, is no more…) and I did a load of dishes. I took two days off to try to get my house put together, and a load of dishes and one of laundry really isn’t very satisfactory for taking two days off. But it is better than I was at before, and I guess for now I have to count the small accomplishments. Tomorrow I will try to do some homework, it isn’t due until Saturday but I’d like to have it done tomorrow, and perhaps I can go to the store… Cooking anything seems…so far beyond my abilities right now… but… I’ll try to find a few simple things that I can make in mass and give myself some things to eat for a few days.

Today I considered it an accomplishment to actually open a package of hot dogs and fry one in a pan. I didn’t leave it long enough and it was still cold in the middle, but I ate it anyway… Food doesn’t seem to mean much right now… hot… cold… moldy (I ate some off carrots yesterday)… it all kind of seems the same right now. I even ate a piece of raw bell pepper last night, just chewed and swallowed it plain. I hate raw bell peppers… but it was wet and it was cold and it was food so I put it in my mouth and chewed.

Eventually I’m going to have to do better than that, but… Considering I don’t think I ate anything at all from Sunday to Tuesday morning… at least marking the period of each mealtime (okay maybe I’m missing one or two a day, but I’m trying) with some sort of chewing and swallowing is an improvement and a step I can build on.

I’ll go to the store tomorrow. I need more tissues, anyway. I’ve gotta get some of the lotion ones, I’m going raw and scaly (I’m not sure how it can be both, but somehow it is) all on my nose and even my cheeks…

It’s 1:20 in the morning. Time to brush the teeth and one foot, then the other, into bed and try to sleep.

Please fate please give me a little peace tonight… no cruelty, no more tricks, just for one night… I’m really…so… so… tired.