I’ve been having a very difficult time. Medications are making some things easier, but ironically, unlocking doors to other things that my anxiety had been keep securely shut. Last week I had several… conflicts… with people.  None of them were huge.  All of them resolved easily and calmly.  Most of them weren’t even my fault, I just got put in the position of patching things up because… I’m good at knowing what to say to people to smooth things over. I rationally understand that those things weren’t significant conflicts.  I rationally understand that they were minor, and for the people involved, they were probably forgotten practically as soon as they…

I’m in a lot of trouble.  It seems to be that kind of season… I got punished after work today, and I’m getting punished again tonight, and I’m banned from Facebook indefinitely. And I feel incredibly lonely. I’m very stressed about being punished. And I’m very ashamed.  I’m ashamed of this aspect of my relationship and my dynamic.  I feel it is the hardest for anyone to relate to.  It makes me feel incredibly alone, because… literally no one I know has the same dynamic I have. And at times like these when I am scared, and anxious, and nervous, and sad… I most want to talk to someone… to…

So, first, I just have to say…  HOLY SHIT I almost just wrote this post on my vanilla blog!  SHIT!  I’m losing my grip, I have too many personalities!  And fuck, I hate having two personas and never being able to cross them.  Because of my article on Writing About Writing some people have responded to it on Facebook.  Some of their responses have been incredibly heartfelt and I want to reach out to them, and I CAN’T!  I don’t have a stealth Facebook profile, and before now, I never thought I needed one (what am I going to do, friend my two friends who know both of me and give myself – and…

I have a friend I’ve mentioned here before.  He is a writer and runs an uber-popular professional blog about writing.  Because I am a kind of geyser and sit quietly for a long time building up pressure before having explosions of risk-taking, I have followed him and chatted with him in small ways for quite a long time, but recently took a plunge (after reading one of his old posts) and reached out to him with some very personal things (big risk) and was very messy and impulsive and apologized too much all over him, and luckily he was okay with my messiness. He occasionally posts writing by “guest bloggers”…

So… things have been happening in my other life where I don’t talk about… this life (it’s so much fun having multiple lives!) I may have some people poking over and reading this site and, that is a really terrifying thought. When first it struck me that I might get a bump in traffic to this site, I was mortified at the thought of people reading my old stories (the ones up there in the black menu bar…)  I wanted to take them down, and I contemplated it seriously for a while.  I considered just unlinking their pages so they couldn’t be seen until the traffic died down (if any…

I’ve been reading some older posts that I don’t completely remember writing… like my brain has lost it’s corollary effect and no longer intrinsically recognizes the writing as my own, even though I understand on an intellectual level that it is my writing. My quite old writing, I hate no matter how much time has passed.  It was just poor writing and it’s hard for me to be forgiving of my beginner self. But my few months old writing I can almost forget was mine, almost read with fresh eyes, and almost appreciate. Which… is good… because I am consistently struck by confusion over why anyone would want to read…