Keeping Writing I Hate

So… things have been happening in my other life where I don’t talk about… this life (it’s so much fun having multiple lives!) I may have some people poking over and reading this site and, that is a really terrifying thought.

When first it struck me that I might get a bump in traffic to this site, I was mortified at the thought of people reading my old stories (the ones up there in the black menu bar…)  I wanted to take them down, and I contemplated it seriously for a while.  I considered just unlinking their pages so they couldn’t be seen until the traffic died down (if any comes), then ultimately I chose to leave them (though I redid my design slightly so my blog fronts the site when people visit.)

In an imaginary conversation I was having in my head, someone asked why?  Why would you leave up writing that you don’t want anyone to see?  Why would you allow writing, that you believe to be so terrible, to remain visible?  You have the power to take it down, why haven’t you done so?  Why?  Oh why???

Here are my reasons, at the moment:

• Because there are people whose feelings I care about who would be incredibly hurt and disappointed if I made those stories disappear.

• Because those stories represent a time in my life as a writer when I was first exploring a new genre and I was doing it (from my current perspective) poorly.  I was approximating a lot of skills.  I was trying on things unsuccessfully.  I didn’t do them well, but they were the practice that built me to where I am today and for that… I have some gratitude to them – even through my hatred.

• Because those stories were, many of them, begun during a period of my life when I was struggling terribly with my sexual identity.  When I was involved in a relationship that invalidated me in many ways, and ultimately did a lot of damage to my perception of myself and my place in any relationship.  Because those stories were my way to try to process what was happening to me, what I wanted, who I was and who I am.  I’m happier with my identity now.  I’m in a relationship that validates me and makes me feel secure. I struggled to get to this place.  I suffered, I was confused, I fumbled through many dark rooms and barked my shins many times and the writing I did during that time reflects that to me.  So I keep it…

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