Being of Service
There is an aspect of submission called “service.” Not all submissives are oriented to service. Not all dominants are oriented to service. Individual people might be more or less oriented toward service. And it can be a person’s entire orientation, or only one of several or many orientations as a submissive/dominant.
Sub Brother is pretty highly service oriented. I’m moderately service oriented. T, Sir’s former partner, was not at all service oriented most of the time, but it would come up for him under specific circumstances, and he was more interested in service to me than he was to Sir.
Sir can take or leave service. He does service with Sub Brother because that’s SB’s orientation, but he lived without service almost entirely for years with T…
Additionally, what service means or looks like to different people can be wildly different. For some people it is cleaning the house for the dominant, or taking care of paperwork/bills, or walking his/her dog, or raking leaves. For other people it is cooking, serving, bringing drinks. For others it is giving massages, or sexual activities. But it is “service” if the orientation of the sub (and desire of the dominant) is to serve (in some capacity) the dominant’s needs or desires.
Some service submissives are very ritualistic. They get trained in various service arts like… formal tea service, therapeutic massage, aromatherapy, etc. Others are more informal – like bringing beer to their dominant while they are sitting on the couch in the evening, or carrying his/her meals to him/her, etc.
There is also anticipatory service (the sub notices things that the dominant needs or would be pleased by and does them without being prompted) and there is… well… not that, which is more the dominant makes requests and the sub fulfills them.
Dominants who are into service often have distinct preferences. Some absolutely want an anticipatory service sub, others find anticipatory service irritating and want to make demands as they want to.
Subs are likewise different wired, even two who are both into service.
Sub brother is wired for both, though he mostly does anticipatory service, occasionally Sir will ask him for service tasks – like to get him a drink when we’re watching TV.
I’m also mostly anticipatory because… I have a compulsion to please everyone at all times. And I’m highly observant because… my father had issues and would be very upset if his needs weren’t noticed and met immediately – I have buckets of memories of him yelling at me for not holding a flashlight in the exact right place for him, or for standing in the light when he was trying to do something. I learned to be very aware of his intentions and position myself (often literally) to be of optimal service to his needs.
Sir isn’t my dad.
He doesn’t get angry if I don’t notice something, he just asks. With Sub Brother I think he makes a conscious effort to ask for things that he would normally do for himself just because Sub Brother really needs that kind of tasks… More than I do.
But Sub Brother hasn’t been well. He hasn’t been well for months. And it’s been a kind of a slow slide, so… I just started noticing little things – like – Sir grabbing his own food at dinner and carrying his plates to the sink after dinner. Sub Brother used to always do that. But Sir didn’t say anything or make a big deal out of it, I just suddenly realized he was doing it instead of Sub Brother.
Sir’s been cleaning their bathroom lately instead of Sub Brother, and doing laundry for both of them (I do my own.)
At the same time… I’ve been struggling to find my submissive self again. Things have been so fucked up, I don’t even know where my head is anymore. Everything feels off and damaged and discordant between us. And I’m aware that that is partly all of us having problems right now. Partly all of us being under stress. Partly all of us having trouble sleeping…
But it’s also partly just me.
I’m off.
I’m having a terrible time finding my place in my relationship. I’m struggling with commands. I’m struggling with trust. I’m struggling with punishment. I’m… just… off.
But tonight, we were watching a movie on the couch and Sir turned to me and asked if I would get him a drink from the kitchen…
And for a moment it was like… the clouds parted and everything was shiny and familiar and perfect.
Normally he would as Sub Brother, but Sub Brother isn’t up for that right now… Sir could have done it himself, and lately he has been. But he gave that to me because… because he’s a good dominant and he’s trying, even through all of our shit lately. He’s still trying to help me find myself.
So I went and got him a drink, and I put ice in it, and I put a straw in it, and I got him a coaster…Â He probably wasn’t even thirsty, but… he knows I need help, and he gave me that, and I was so grateful.
Of course… the clouds have closed again in front of the sun, like a final curtain. The darkness and doubt and uncertainty is back. But… it was nice to be reminded that the sun still exists.
Somewhere.
Maybe.
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