Broken Toys

In the kink world the implements are called “toys” and that’s the terminology we use around here, but we don’t always “play” with our “toys.” Indeed, that is a very specific type of interaction and probably the one we do least frequently (don’t feel bad, we’re good with this!) Punishment can mean a lot more than impact (spanking, paddling, etc.) but for this discussion I’ll be referring to impact activities.

What happens most frequently is punishment (yes, actual punishment, as in, if I never earned another punishment for the rest of my life, I wouldn’t be sad about it!) or maintenance which isn’t exactly punishment, but it’s pretty similar and designed to help me reset to expectations when I’m really struggling.

So, what makes it punishment and not something else? Well… I don’t know for sure, but here are some elements.

One is the context. Just changing the context changes how both Sir and I interpret everything else that goes on.

If it is a punishment scenario, it just… isn’t fun. It isn’t sexy. There’s nothing pleasant about it. Sir generally feels neutral toward it (he NEVER does the “This hurts me more than you” guilt trip… thank God!). He doesn’t enjoy it. It isn’t sexual or stimulating to him, but he’s not particularly averse to it or it would probably be unhealthy for our relationship.

I’m averse to it, which, manages not to be unhealthy for our relationship because I actually do strive to avoid it and the threat of it being immediately impending is often enough to cut through the ADHD dysfunction in my brain and get me moving in whatever right direction I was missing. This actually helps our relationship because as bad as my ADHD is, we literally have a tool to leverage against it and Sir isn’t constantly forced into dealing with my dysfunction or nagging or cleaning up my messes all of the time, which can happen in relationships with an ADHD partner. It’s definitely not perfect, and I realize that I tend to only write about the times when it DOESN’T work, which probably makes it seem like our entire relationship is my ADHD failing to respond to a threat of punishment. But in reality it’s not nearly that pervasive.

So, context changes an activity to punishment all by itself and makes it something I don’t want, don’t like, and will work to avoid.

Secondly, Sir uses different timing and intensity for punishment than he would for something intended to be more “fun.” Punishment starts HARD and stays HARD for a fairly brief period of time. This means that my endorphins don’t have time to kick in and start numbing me or spacing me out – getting me “high.” It just hurts, it hurts a lot, it hurts at a pace that I can’t process well mentally or emotionally, and it ends before I can get any kind of “high” from it.

Third, most of the time, Sir uses particular implements only for punishment, they aren’t used in any other context. So that adds to the unpleasant emotional content for me, I have no positive associations whatsoever with these “toys.” It also adds to the physical unpleasantness because he chooses things that are physically the hardest for me to handle – high sting. Implements typically fall on a spectrum between two types of sensation, stingy to thuddy. I have a hard time tolerating sting, I need a chance to catch my breath and process the pain before the next stroke. Thuddy doesn’t have that same effect on me, but it does bother me on a psychological level that isn’t super healthy so Sir hedges more toward the stinging end of the spectrum all of the time, but for punishment, he goes to that end to a high degree, and doesn’t allow me the time to catch my breath and process. So it is just an overwhelming onslaught of a type of pain I can’t handle well that just gets more and more intense for the two or three minutes of the punishment.

This means that he tends to have certain implements which are high on the sting spectrum, and usually light weight so that there isn’t a long-lasting impact (the pain usually fades within a couple of hours). That allows him to use spanking as a punishment with a frequency that matches how frequently I tend to need it, and it isn’t something that gets complicated with him having to be concerned about me having lasting bruises or giving new spankings on top of damaged skin, etc. He can punish me three times in thirty minutes (it’s happened) and not have to worry about me having physical damage. He can punish me again an hour later, or the next morning if needed and not have to worry that I will have bruises or broken skin for him to worry about.

So the implements he chooses for punishment are pretty specific and pretty consciously chosen for that purpose.

It also means that certain of our implements get a pretty heavy workload.

In the past year, we’ve broken multiple toys. Or Sir has broken them… on me.

This week he broke the worst (stingiest, most awful) implement we have. It is a really light, wooden kitchen paddle/spatula that is probably over 40 years old. It is so light it almost feels like it’s made of balsa wood, which means Sir can use it incredibly hard and not leave bruises or welts on me – which SUCKS! That thing hurts like such a fucker. And now it is broken!

I was going to be pleased about this, but Sir just flipped it around and used the handle – which is narrower than the paddle end. It may be the closest I’ve ever been to a caning without using an actual cane. And holy fuckballs!

Sir also ordered a couple of new paddles, and acrylic (I’ve never had acrylic paddles used on me and I’m terrified, they’re supposed to be awful), and a paddle with holes… which I’ve never had used on me and I’m not sure how to deal with that. Sir thinks it is a psychological block and I’ll survive it (it will be unpleasant, but it’s supposed to be).

So… the breaking of a toy, particularly a punishment implement is such a bittersweet moment. There’s an odd sense of imposter syndrome at first when I think, “But I’m not that tough… I don’t take anything hard enough to break a piece of wood…” Then there’s the, “Oh, thank God, he can’t use that anymore!” and then there is the, “Oh shit, the alternative is even worse!”

Sigh.