BDSM
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Moments with Sir – Promise
Sir steers me into the kitchen as we are getting ready for bed.  My back is against the refrigerator door, and he stands close to me. He brings my hands up, palms together, between us, holding them between his own hands so he has to speak.  He looks at me for a long time then he says, “I need you to do something for me.” I can’t use my hands either, so I nod and murmur, “Yes, Sir.” “I’m going to ask two questions.  You will be honest.” “Yes, Sir.” “Promise me.” I swallow because I’m getting nervous, but I nod.  “I promise.” He looks down at our hands, then looks…
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Ordinary Evening
So, two nights ago I wrote a technical manual about my relationship and the ways in which it is probably wildly different from the majority of people in relationships. Â And I’ll write more about those specific differences in more detail in future posts. Â But, tonight, I was thinking that despite the underlying framework of our relationship being so different, and the times when it manifests, we obviously look very different from vanilla relationships, it isn’t something that is just constantly manifesting. Â We are really, on a daily basis, probably not very obviously different from anyone else. So, to demonstrate, our evening tonight, which was quite an average weeknight for us.…
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This Thing We Do – Shadow 101
Someone asked recently for me to write more about how my particular relationship works. Â Then I was talking to my therapist today about my relationship, and I got into a conversation about the… plane of intensity that my relationship occupies in terms of some general categorizing of BDSM or D/s relationship types – granting that human experience is infinitely diverse and cannot, actually, in any way accurately be categorized. So… Â since it’s all relevant in my mind tonight, Â here’s a top of my head FYI. I tend to categorize in my own head a difference between BDSM and D/s – not everyone differentiates the same way I do, but I…
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Doubts (and Moments with Sir – Pockets)
Last night I said I would post my little moment with Sir. Today I actually was looking forward to it. I cleaned up the kitchen after dinner, got my tea, took my pills and came upstairs to write… And then I sat. I looked at Facebook. I looked at websites. I found a new header image for my blog. I… didn’t write. And when I thought about writing I felt so tired. And I finally realized I felt anxious. I’m so used to the feeling in my gut that sometimes it takes me a long time to realize its there… the tight, cold, clawing of anxiety. A very soft, insidious…
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Perspectives
I had a rough day yesterday. I made some poor choices about caring for myself and my body. Last night I was punished for those choices. This morning I was… not punished really, because it wasn’t for something I did wrong, but… I was punished. Because I can’t use better words than that because I am still embarassed by this aspect of my life and my relationship. And isn’t that just sad?
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Communication
My eating restrictions have abruptly taken a turn towards severe depression and apathy and lack of eating…  Sir sent me to the store on the way home to buy “anything you want to eat, fuck the carbs.”  Once at the store I found this a difficult proposition. This was Sir’s response. We communicate so well… Of course, this is ALL I’ve eaten tonight…  He doesn’t know that, yet. Yay, depression.
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Yes, Sir
I just got back from my workout (walking for a mile). Sir went with me despite the fact that he already did his run earlier this morning. I have been working up to walking this far ever since the pneumonia and the asthma (which followed the pneumonia just to be sure I could NEVER breathe again…). It’s been discouraging and disheartening. I’ve had times when I wanted to give up and let myself become progressively more out of shape, become a 600 pound woman and exist only to eat. I’ve been embarrassed (walking 100 feet and panting out of breath) feeling that the rest of the world was looking at…
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Differences
This is an exploration of some of the events in my previous post – Punishment. If you haven’t read it, be aware that this may reference disturbing concepts or events, please read at your own comfort level.
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Moments with Sir
Me: (curled up on the couch whimpering) Don’t yell at me, I’m in pain! Sir: (breathes deeply as if he can suck patience from the air) Let’s try this again. What hurts? Me: Everything! Sir: That is NOT informative!
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Sugar and Spice and… Glitter.
I’m living one day at a time. Some days are harder than others. Some moments are harder than others. In this moment I feel like revisiting some happier memories of my time with the man who was my Sir. This actually happened mostly the way I’ve written it (some artistic license applied)  😉