Personal Journal

  • Home Again

    I know.  I am SO far behind!  In everything. I’ve been home for… two days?  Three days… ?  It was the most surreal experience…  I got on a plane on Tuesday afternoon.  Flew overnight… And arrived on… Tuesday evening.  It took me a couple of days to wrap my brain around that. I’m also struggling horribly with jet lag.  It’s worse than it was at the other end, which is weird, because the sun doesn’t even set until 10:30, and rose again at 4… where I was, but I adapted faster to that time change than I have to coming back home… despite normal daylight hours… So, I’ve been dragging…

  • Delusions

    I grew up a thin child.  I was extremely active, and my parents didn’t keep junk food in the house.  I didn’t think a lot about food one way or the other (besides how much I hated tuna and tamale casserole) until I was around ten years old. Then my dad, because he had problems of his own, became obsessed with my weight.  Not that I was fat, but that I would BECOME fat.  Now that’s a hard one to fight.  It’s “no, you’re not doing anything wrong, but you might in the future, so you have to be treated like a criminal now just in case.” My dad taped…

  • Oslo

    Well, I survived Stockholm. It wasn’t terrible.  And I got to meet Dice, so that definitely elevated the whole experience (and Dice is awesome, by the way).  I loved the two small towns in Sweden where we went first, but as far as big cities, Stockholm definitely didn’t live up to Copenhagen.  We saw a couple of cool things and a couple of meh things.  I wasn’t particularly sad to leave and I probably wouldn’t go back (except to see Dice). Copenhagen and one of the small towns in Sweden are definite return visit destinations. So today, we got up early and got on a train (for six hours) to…

  • Travel Weary

    I am in Stockholm tonight.  Not really, because I’m post dating all of these posts so that there isn’t a gap while I’m away.  I manage to write enough posts before I left that I had a daily post through 16 days of my trip, but of course, that left me with a 4 day gap to  worry about constantly.  So, it’s a Friday night.  I’m sitting here doing laundry in the hotel and conceding to anxiety and perfectionism.   Fortunately, I bought a keyboard just before I left.  It’s a bluetooth keyboard so I can sync it to my phone (other phone, tablet, etc.) and then type on the…

  • Rain – Moments with Sir

    This story references this post: Shroedinger’s Rain. I could hear him approach me, and I flinched.  “I don’t want to be touched!  Please…” Sir stopped, one hand already outstretched to comfort.  That hand hung for a moment in the air between us, then curled into a fist and I heard him sigh.  “Okay.” A spasm of agony wrenched my chest and I turned away from him, gripping the edges of the counter and focusing my gaze on the branches outside the kitchen window.  I could hear the confusion in his voice, the threads of hurt and concern.  I heard his footsteps retreat but then they stopped and I heard soft…

  • Schroedinger’s Rain

    I wrote once about a conversation I had with Ryan about having a mental illness.  He and I both have bipolar and PTSD and anxiety.  I was talking to him about reality, about when you have a mental illness, it is like standing in the rain.  You know it is raining.  You can see the rain.  You can feel the rain.  You can smell the rain.  You are soaking wet with rain and rain is dripping into your eyes.  It is raining.  And then someone comes up and tells you that it’s not raining.  Now, you can see that this person is also getting rained on.  It is raining.  The…

  • Black Holes and Porridge – Moments with Sir

    As the time for my departure on an international trip approaches, my anxiety has risen to new heights of awesomeness.  Combined with ruminating depression, I spent most of yesterday, and all night, obsessively thinking about the most horrific things that might happen while I’m away and was completely unable to stop thinking about them. Sub Brother has been struggling a little bit as well, though not at the level I am.  But it’s enough that he’s becoming indecisive.  He becomes anxious about making a choice and it causes him to freeze a little bit sometimes, even if the decision isn’t important. Sir frequently amazes me and… at the same time……

  • Slider

    I had a rough patch for a few days.  Therapy went hard and I went into a spiral and for some reason (I’m sure therapy could explain it) I became almost intolerably self-critical for several days. And I know it’s easy for people to scold or dismiss my self-criticism.  It’s easy to say, “You’re too hard on yourself,” or “Why are you being so mean?” or “Don’t do that…” The thing is, it’s a disease. And I think even I forget that too often. This week, when this hit me, I had an episode when I was putting on clothes (my ordinary clothes that I wear all the time) and…

  • Other People’s Blogs

    So the problem with reading other people’s blogs about BDSM is… inevitably I will run across something that makes me crazy.  Probably because, you know, people.  But just recently I was reading a submissive woman’s blog and she had a “guest post” by a male dominant about what dominants need from their submissives. It was fine.  For him.  I’m sure. Of course, he didn’t phrase it as “This is what I need from a submissive relationship.”  He framed it as if this was the way to be a submissive.

  • Recursive First Drafts

    I know S doesn’t like the “Shitty First Drafts” idea, so this is for you, S.  🙂  I recently read an article by an author who is absolutely not on board with the whole “Shitty First Drafts” idea that is so common among authors.  It was first attributed to Hemingway who said, “The first draft of anything is shit.”  Then it was expanded by Anne Lamott in Bird by Bird where she said that the first draft is like letting a child play, it is unconstrained, just ideas flowing onto the page. Now, this other author says that this is all fine and good and that most authors agree with this particular…