Personal Journal
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Anxiety Girl!
This is basically me after I post on this blog… except I can’t, because digital, and… Sir doesn’t let me go back and delete everything every time I post…
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Broken Toys
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This Thing We Do – Shadow 101
Someone asked recently for me to write more about how my particular relationship works. Â Then I was talking to my therapist today about my relationship, and I got into a conversation about the… plane of intensity that my relationship occupies in terms of some general categorizing of BDSM or D/s relationship types – granting that human experience is infinitely diverse and cannot, actually, in any way accurately be categorized. So… Â since it’s all relevant in my mind tonight, Â here’s a top of my head FYI. I tend to categorize in my own head a difference between BDSM and D/s – not everyone differentiates the same way I do, but I…
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It’s a MIRACLE!
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Bumps in the Road
So… It was a pretty productive day. Â Everything I needed to get done got done, and I did a little resting and relaxing in between. Â But it wasn’t a super fast day… Â I just don’t spend whole days doing chores quickly. Â My brain doesn’t seem to be able to function that way, and usually I’m pretty good at celebrating days when I get a lot of things done (with a lot of breaks) because that didn’t used to happen. Â I used to get overwhelmed by one thing and have a meltdown and that was basically my day.
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Kids…
So, a friend sent me a great idea today, she said (since I can’t manage prompts) maybe have some themed posts that I can fall back on like “Moments with Sir” that I kind of have going. Â Another of her suggestions was “Kids say the Darnedest Things” or something along those lines. I realized that I specifically avoid talking about my job or students on this blog because… I feel weird combining them with… my sex life. Â Which maybe is weird and paranoid. Â And, of course, I’m not combining them. Â They are two separate topics which both happen to exist as a part of my life. Yet I feel weird…
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Doubts (and Moments with Sir – Pockets)
Last night I said I would post my little moment with Sir. Today I actually was looking forward to it. I cleaned up the kitchen after dinner, got my tea, took my pills and came upstairs to write… And then I sat. I looked at Facebook. I looked at websites. I found a new header image for my blog. I… didn’t write. And when I thought about writing I felt so tired. And I finally realized I felt anxious. I’m so used to the feeling in my gut that sometimes it takes me a long time to realize its there… the tight, cold, clawing of anxiety. A very soft, insidious…
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A Shadow Life
So… I talk about it often but never do it. I probably should try NOT talking about it and ACTUALLY doing it… but… baby steps. I’m going to try to write more. Like… Every day. For a year. I don’t know why I decided to do this. It did lead to an interesting conversation with Sir and sub brother. They pointed out that a year seemed really ambitious and why didn’t I try writing every day for a week first… then I could extend my goals. But I felt that a whole week seemed way too overwhelming to commit to!
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Broken Toys
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Settling
Last night was, obviously, rough, but I talked to several good friends today and it felt so good to just… to reach out… and meet outstretched hands in return. Â It is still alien to me to share my feelings, to accept compassion, to… talk about… my real self. Â But it was positive and healing, and for those people and others who are probably wondering, I thought I would update today. Â Also, I’m trying to challenge myself to write every day. Â Writing a journal/blog post isn’t exactly my ideal of “writing every day” but I suppose when my baseline is “writing never” I will have to accept that any bar at…
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Living and Dying
It’s been, I just realized, 4 months plus since I last posted. Â I don’t even want to talk about it because it feels pointless to say anything else about it. In August I got a diagnosis for what has been going on with me for years. Â There were all these, “This is hopeful! Â Now we know what it is and we can fight it!” speeches. Â But I’ve heard those speeches too many times and I tried hard not to invest any hope in this new round. I wasn’t completely successful.
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Perspectives
I had a rough day yesterday. I made some poor choices about caring for myself and my body. Last night I was punished for those choices. This morning I was… not punished really, because it wasn’t for something I did wrong, but… I was punished. Because I can’t use better words than that because I am still embarassed by this aspect of my life and my relationship. And isn’t that just sad?