Personal Journal
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Grief?
God… please… give me this life…Â this simplicity… strip me to nothing but nature and survival and I could be good, I could be decent…Â I could pray every day and send good into the world…
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Candy Bar Wisdom
K just came in a few minutes ago. J dropped him off, is doing some shopping, then they’re headed to the mountains for the weekend. They invited me but I really need to do homework. So he walks in and I am at my computer, where I’ve been sitting since 5 this morning… Really, haven’t stood up (or hadn’t when he walked in) since 5 this morning. He takes one look at me and says out loud with quite child-like glee while clapping his hands together (he’s got a silly streak like that) “JAMMIES!”Â
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Scent of Memories
I can still smell him. It will hit me every so often, I’ll step into a room, or just turn in my chair, and I’ll smell him… his soap, his clothes, his shampoo… all of it that made him, uniquely him. D shaves more regularly so he always smelled of his aftershave… T smelled of his soap, I can’t describe it. There’s still some of it in the upstairs bathroom, but I can’t bring myself to go in there…
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Depression
Apparently this blog has become therapy for me. Sorry to anyone who actually hoped I would write anything actually literary… I’m sad again. Well I’ve been sad, it never goes away, but tonight hope is fading again. I can feel the depression coming, which is different from sadness. It is. Just…trust a lifetime’s intimate relationship with depression…it is a different flavor than sadness.
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Finding myself again
I cried in therapy today. Only a little. I didn’t think I could… I have this fear that if I let the pain too close it will break through the dam and it will be a tsunami of destruction, that I will never be able to pull it back again. But I let it out a little, portioned it, by teaspoons, and somehow I was able to pull it back again, even though a couple of times I felt it swelling up against the dam.
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The Kindness of Strangers
I am a Buddhist. I believe in it even when I am so far fallen from my path… And I truly truly am… fallen…
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God Fever
Just believe in God, Shadow. Who wouldn’t want to get right with the Almighty, Shadow? Everybody should believe in God, Shadow. God is perfect and love and light, Shadow.
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Documenting Madness
I don’t know if you can document your own madness… Isn’t it one of those… thought… exercises… I won’t delete anything here, I need to document my thinking… I can’t remember words. It’s been happening for a few weeks, it’s getting worse… I think I start saying something then I can’t think of the word, even really simple words like… I can’t think of a word I can’t think of… that would be…. um… I can’t think of the word for that… But I can’t tell you what the word is I can’t think of because I don’t know what it is because it is locked in my brain.Â
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Loss and Madness
In two days I lost two of my best friends. One is dead. One…is a place of confusion and pain in my head. He’s alive, but hurt, I know. I don’t know if we’ll ever speak again. I’m alive but hurt.
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Grief – Anaphora
Grief Grief Grief is shards of ice flaying my skin. Grief is a cold anchor tearing at my heart. Grief is a heavy shadow, curling round my spine. Grief is a keening shriek scraping on my ribs.
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