Sir didn’t like my writing. He said to “be honest this time.” I was honest. Fuck everyone. Now he says to write the lies. Write the lies that are in my head, even if I know they’re lies. He says to write them down. He’s trying to trick me. He’ll go send this to my doctors and then they’ll know. It’s a trick. He thinks I’m stupid. Fine. You want lies? Here are yours… People like me. I’m a capable person. I’m a good teacher. I’m a good patient. I’m responsible. I have good social skills. I know when to shut up. My principal likes me. I’m a good friend.…

Sir says, “Write about it.” He doesn’t understand. Everything is too hard. He gave me all my pills this morning and waited an hour, and now he says to write about it. And if I do what he says I’m just proving that I can and when I say I can’t he won’t believe me next time because… I can. I can do everything. Nothing matters because I’m fine. I can write. I can take my pills. I can eat when he tells me to. I can go to work. I can do my job. I can do everything. So nothing matters. I can write. I’m writing. Sir wants me…

I just realized my last post was in February. At the beginning of February. Shit. I feel like a failure at writing. Definitely a failure at blogging. Just a failure in general right now. Our dynamic is in really difficult straits right now. We try to push into it in small ways and sometimes it works and other times it results in horrible things. I feel like my own mind is a minefield. I’ve started somatic trauma therapy. On top of psychotherapy. On top of psychiatric drug therapy. I see doctors three days a week nowdays. Mondays are trauma therapy days, and the shit really and truly hits the fan…

We’re trying something new and radical. Going back to our dynamic. I know, right? Madness! I’m supposed to write on both blogs tonight. The other one took too long and I have to go to bed. But… I have to meet expectations, so… My ass is sore and itchy (no one ever talks about how fucking itchy it is when a spanking heals! Not sexy enough, huh?) And I hate… most everything right now. It’s been a rough week. Update complete. Goodnight!

Sir is Sir again for the moment. We’re not sure what we’re doing… none of us. I feel stupid and childish, but I have this deep sense of upset that no one has… answers. Maybe that’s what religion is for, because, deep down, the majority of us are children who need a grown up to look to… to have the answers… to be… in charge. There’s some comfort in that. But Sir is just Sir, and I don’t believe in deities, so I’m stuck with the child in the darkness syndrome, wanting someone to know everything, protect me from everything, have the answers to everything… I am struggling terribly with…

I have a psychiatrist again, he’s a psychiatric NP, but the same basic idea. I first went to see him because my PTSD got triggered badly from the biopsy and the procedures I had and I had to have surgery and I thought I just needed some meds to make it through the surgery and then everything would calm down. I thought he was just going to be able to give me some meds to make it through the surgery and then everything would calm down. Some of the meds helped. The meds he gave me helped. It took a few tries, it always takes a few tries with me,…

So, technical issues and a hacking vulnerability necessitated a bunch of technical crap on the back end of my site and as a result I may have deleted some of the “followers” to this blog.  I re-established most of them, but if you were a subscriber and stumble across this message and didn’t get an email update telling you about it, you may need to renew your subscription…  Sorry!  :