Comfort Food

I’ve been having trouble with my stomach recently.  Mostly it’s right after breakfast, I get pain in my stomach that gets pretty bad, but it usually goes away in 30 minutes to an hour.  Then today it happened during lunch.  I didn’t finish eating.  Then it just got worse and worse and freaked out my students AND my co-worker who just texted to check on me and said I went completely pale and she thought I was going to pass out in front of the class.  (I didn’t realize that part, I just thought I’d pass out from pain.)

Sir was thinking it was a problem adjusting to the higher fat levels (I have to increase my fat intake every week until I get to a, well… stupid high level of fat intake.  And it can cause problems because your body has to have specific enzymes to digest fat.  I didn’t eat a particularly low fat diet before, but I didn’t eat the amount I have to eat now (even though I’m not up to the right amount, yet).  So I probably don’t have as many enzymes to make as some people, but Sir thought maybe that was what was causing my pain in the mornings… or my meds that I take in the morning maybe…  But then it happened at lunch today and I hadn’t taken my meds, yet.  So… I don’t know.

I feel like my doctor is totally blase about keto and acting like it’s completely safe and there is absolutely no side effects at all, and why would I even bother to ask, etc. etc.  Which just makes me trust him EVEN LESS!  I know there are side effects.  They are all over the internet.  Literally everyone who does keto talks about the side effects.  Most of them go away after a while, but there are some dangerous things that can happen, too.  Certainly nothing a medical doctor should be calling “totally safe, no problems at all, people never have any problems with this diet.”  Because… that’s just… so blatantly untrue I can’t even begin to describe it.

Sigh.

But anyway, for now, I feel like there is a knife in my belly half the time, and like I got punched the other half the time.  It’s great.

And I realized, tonight, when Sir gave me some boiled chicken… It fucking sucks being sick on this diet!  I want saltines and 7-Up.  I don’t want chicken!  My stomach actively hurts.  Chicken just feels like an assault.  But I can’t eat saltines.  I can’t drink 7-Up.  I can’t have rice or applesauce.  All of the things I would turn to when my stomach is hurting are… off limits.  And not just like, it would be breaking my diet for a few days, but I could go back on it after I’m feeling better… like it would change my entire metabolism back and re-activate the autoimmune disease…  So I can’t even take a “cheat day” when I’m sick.

And that feels so… desolate.

I very much want to simply not eat.

It’s hard enough when I’m feeling well.

Now…

Sir just brought me tea.

Apparently sub brother is making some jello from a fruit tea and unflavored gelatin.  Which… doesn’t sound terribly appetizing, but… actually doesn’t sound like it will kill my stomach so…

Now I’m going to curl up and cry.

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