Good News Sadness
I got good news today. About time, huh? Cause we all know the universe OWES us and life is just one big math equation that eventually has to even out on both sides, right? Yeah…
It doesn’t mean anything. It just is. I got good news today. Super news, actually. Jump up and down and squeal and clap like a five year old kind of good news.
I don’t know how other people are, but I have a kind of list of people I want to run to first when I get good news.
Today… I sat on my news for two hours. I wanted to tell my mom on the phone and she wasn’t home from hiking. I wanted to tell K on Skype and he was working. And the other two people on that list…
I want to tell MJ. And I will. I’m just having one of those insecure moments because he hasn’t responded to my last email yet. He will. He always does, but he’s sick and it takes him time. Usually I don’t get so paranoid about these things. Not with him. Not anymore. But every so often I get a fit of insecurity, even with him, my angel and guardian. I know it’s a phantom of a past me, it isn’t me anymore. But sometimes those phantoms are strong. I hadn’t wanted to tell him all the misery in my life recently because I decided I didn’t want to get him down… So instead I just didn’t write at all. He finally wrote me again and asked if I was okay, which broke the phantom enough that I told him all my misery. He hasn’t been able to respond yet, and the phantom is now gloating from the corner into which I kicked it, telling me how I should have listened, how I shouldn’t have dumped all my bad news on him and how he’ll now decide he doesn’t want me around anymore. LOL Stupid phantom… He’s ridden out WAY worse than this with me, he’s just fine. And I’m just fine. I just have this annoying, stupid phantom buzzing in my ears and giving me a headache. Except I’m worried MJ will be sad. He liked T. I wish I didn’t have to make people sad telling them sad things…
I’ll tell MJ my good news, though, too, that’s how we are, him and me… I’ll tell him, likely before he even writes back to the other email. But I think I’d like to make him a video so… I’ll do that in a day or two.
I told K I had something to talk to him about but it wasn’t a rush. J’s asthma got bad today so they were at the hospital. I told him it can wait.
I called my mom. She is happy for me.
Then I told T.
I haven’t done that, talking to people who are gone… But all of the sudden, standing in the kitchen, I said it out loud, I said, “Aren’t you happy for me?” And part of me knew he would have been. And part of me broke because I lost him before he saw this happen for me. Before he saw so many things. He won’t be at my wedding… If I ever get married. He won’t know my children, if I ever have any… He won’t see me graduate. Won’t see me get a job, finally answer my calling… He won’t be here… for anything… ever again…
When I told K that M and I were out of second chances…I apologized. He looked at me like I was strange, but I really did feel bad having to tell him, as if my own pain wasn’t enough, I had to add guilt to it… He really thought maybe M was the right one for me. Maybe he was, maybe he wasn’t, but his life circumstances are…what they are…and we won’t ever find out. And I told K I didn’t want him to die not seeing me finally find the man who I am meant to be with.
He says that he used to be afraid for me, but he’s not anymore. He knows I’ll meet that man, and he knows I won’t take less than I deserve. He says I’ve changed, and if he doesn’t get to meet that man in this life, he will, nevertheless, leave this life knowing that man will come. I’m not as sure as him.
I wanted to tell M my news.
I know that no one will come into my life while I still love someone else. I need to stop. I sent M an email last week, and one a couple days ago… He hasn’t answered them. He’s busy, he gets that way, like MJ… But I never got a chance to build the years with him like I have with MJ. It’s easier to get scared. Too easy. And the phantom is too hard to kick. I tell myself maybe M wants some distance. I told him we needed distance… Maybe he listened. He’s also been working weird shifts, R is home only on weekends, and he starts a new job next week… MAYBE he’s just busy, silly Shadow. Or maybe it hurts him too much to deal with me right now. Maybe… Maybe… Maybe…
I wanted to tell him my news. But the phantom says he doesn’t want to talk to me. And even if he did talk to me… Even good news between us is under a cloud of grief. I wish he didn’t have to hurt. I wish I didn’t have to hurt, either. I miss my friend. I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to reclaim our friendship without the cloud of pain. That makes me sad. I miss more than my friend. And that makes me doubt, makes me fear that we won’t ever be able to be just friends, because that means first letting go of each other. It’s hard to imagine not missing him like I do right now. I try to remember how it felt going through this with K… but history has a way of condensing time… making things seem easier, shorter, bathed in the light of the present…
K and I broke up once upon a time. I thought I would never love anyone else ever again. I didn’t, not truly, until M…
But I did get over K. And he got over me. And now we are friends. Maybe that can happen with M, somehow, someday, maybe… and then I’ll look back on this time of pain and it will be lit with the light of that present when M and I are beautiful friends, like MJ, like K… Maybe… Someday…
But right now…Â I’ve only shared my news with my mom.
I’m really tired of life right now.
You May Also Like
