Hacked!

So…  my WordPress account was hacked and infected with malware.  This led to it being shut down until I could correct the problem.  I received the notification about a month ago and didn’t do anything about it (Sir says we’ll be discussing that later…) but I figured it wasn’t as if anybody was going to notice anyway.  And I couldn’t really get up the enthusiasm to deal with it.

Then today I was Skyping with my bestie, S.  She is my… one and only… vanilla friend who has been invited to see this part of my life.  And it’s crazy scary, but also awesome to feel… whole… with one of  my closest friends.  Anyway, she had noticed that I hadn’t updated my blog (she didn’t know it had been shut down) and asked.  And it was funny that just one person asking was the push I needed to fix the problem and get it running again.  Ironically another friend asked this afternoon (before my webhost had approved my site again), completely independently from S asking.  I guess the stars just aligned. So I fixed the website.  And the blog is back…

Sadly, S had a moment of wondering if after I shared this blog with her (about a month ago?) I had second thoughts and took it down.  Which was funny, but also sad, but funny and thankfully not true.  Though it is a little nerve wracking to know she can read things here now (waves to S).  It’s comforting and nerve wracking and vulnerable and exposed all at the same time.

But I’m coming to realize that for all my life, literally, since some of my earliest memories being molested by some tween boys at a family gathering (family I don’t know if I ever saw again), I’ve kept secrets.  It’s just been natural to me.  I’ve had a compartmentalized life and the people in my life had access to only the compartments I chose and never did anyone have access to them all, and some of them were allowed open to no one.

Slowly in the past twenty years, a few people, a few incredibly good friends, have worn down some of the boundaries between the compartments and I’ve shown more of myself, and realized it is powerful, vulnerable, scary, but… a little like breathing…  so necessary to my existence.

I didn’t realize how tight and bound up my spirit has been by my secrets.  I didn’t realize until I breathed fully with someone, what it could mean to not be afraid… not afraid of them “finding out,” not be afraid of… being known.

So I want to be brave.  Not to the world maybe, but to more people.  More people all the time…  In ways that I choose carefully and control wisely, of course, there are parts of my life the world will never be welcome into… not because they are secret, but because they are private.  And there will be parts of my life that I’ve always felt “should” be private, which, in actuality, were secrets I was keeping because of other people’s shame that they put upon me.  Those areas I want to free.  I want to be…  I want to be seen.  I want to closeness with chosen others that I’ve learned can only come with vulnerability.  And for that… I have to share.

And so, the blog is back…  And I will try to stay brave.  🙂

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