Imaginary Friends

I had a bad manic night.  Bad bad…  And both the guys were in bed, so I tried to deal with it myself.  I’m doing better right now, but my brain is very exhausted.  I can feel it… like… it’s hard to keep all the pieces of my thinking together.

I’ll probably write about it another day, when I can hold my thinking better.

But I have to shout out my bestie, S…  She wasn’t here.  She doesn’t even know about this, but I imagined that she was here, in the kitchen with me.  Sir was upstairs and sick, so I guess I didn’t want to imagine him for some reason?  But I imagined S was here and imagined what she would say, and she was very organized and calm and it helped me, sort of, get myself on track.  It was rough.  Imaginary S had to do a lot of being calm and organized, and had to deal with a lot of manic Shadow wiliness…  But… it worked.  I got the kitchen cleaned up.  Ate food (almost choked and died, but imaginary S suggested I go upstairs and sit on the bed with Sir until I was done chewing the entire sausage I had shoved into my mouth because I thought that was a solution to the problem of taking one bite and forgetting about it and walking away for twenty minutes…  three times… it was cold sausage…  and then I forgot I was chewing and tried to breathe… and drink water… at the same time… Imaginary S said to leave the water downstairs and go upstairs and sit next to Sir so if I passed out from choking I’d fall on him and wake him up and hopefully he’d figure out what was wrong before I died.  Imaginary S is very practical!)  Then I took my dog for a walk.  Imaginary S said that if I walked in the shadows, my neighbor who was walking her dogs wouldn’t see me twitching and think I was a crazy person.  It was very helpful.  She also wasn’t concerned about me getting stuck on rhyming everything with “oopsie” then with “floppsy” then with “moppy.”  And she said I should look at the sidewalk not at the super cool swirling lights hitting the underside of the clouds from some car dealership coordinated moving spotlight thing.  It was sooo cool and weird and I walked into a parked car… twice…  And then Imaginary S said I should close the front door and walk up the stairs.  That was helpful.  After I got home.  It was helpful.  And then Imaginary S said that I had to put a garbage bag in the trash can before I put the trash in it.  And yes, it was okay to put the trash on the table to get a garbage bag.  And she wasn’t even worried that the sound of getting the bag open by filling it up with air really quickly so it made a sound was so satisfying that I had to do it seven more times before I could make myself put it in the trash can.  And she kept reminding me that I was emptying the dishwasher.  Emptying the dishwasher.  Lettuce isn’t important right now.  Emptying the dishwasher.  Yes, there is frozen spinach in the freezer… Empty the dishwasher.  Take out one dish.  Put it in the cupboard.  No, the cupboard does not need organizing.  Yes, it can wait until morning.  Pick up another dish.  Don’t set it on the stove.  Pick it up.  Put it in the cupboard.  No, the dish cupboard.  No, you don’t need peanut butter.  In the dish cupboard.  Yes, peanut butter is legume paste.  Put the dish in the cupboard.  The other cupboard…  Do not drink the dishwater soaking in the water cup… Yes, there is water in a cup.  No, that does not mean you have to drink it.  Don’t drink it.  Walk out of the kitchen until the urge passes.  No, do not get out another garbage bag!

Imaginary S has infinite patience!

It took three hours.  But I’m doing better now.

I went manic for 10 hours.

I didn’t eat anything, or drink, or pee…  Then I wondered if I peed on myself and didn’t notice… because I hadn’t peed for ten hours.  But I’m dry, so probably not…

I wrote, from scratch, 17 articles about Colorado history for my students… differentiated by reading ability… with Depth and Complexity focus activities… I have 24 Word Document windows open.  My browser has 84 windows open.  I just counted them.  The tabs are so tiny I can’t even read what the tabs are.  They are just little slivers.  Now I’m closing tabs.  Click, click, click…

I’m pretty sure the history articles are going to be total crap in the morning light.  But I had the kind of manic tonight that has delusions of grandeur, which is always a nice break from the atypical depression delusions of worthlessness.  So I pretty much thought I was the best writer/teacher/creator of materials ever… I was going to open a Teachers Pay Teachers store and be rich by Friday and then quit my job and become a half time tutor and write a novel.

By Friday.

But I don’t know what day it is…

Imaginary S suggested that I turn off the lights and take a cold shower.

She is very helpful.

She said I should probably not come on the computer and write a blog post because I was just getting things under control.  But I didn’t listen.  That was bad.  Bad news Bears…  Sad panda…  Sometimes I sound like Rainman because I have to repeat things…  I don’t know what condition he had.  Imaginary S says not to go google it right now.  I reaaaaaaaaaaally need to google it right now…

Sir woke up and got me to get ready for bed, but then he fell asleep while I was brushing my teeth so I just came back for just a short… minutes…to post a blog post…

I am wearing my strongest light blocker glasses.

It’s helping.

Imaginary S is helping.

Thanks S for being imaginary here tonight!  🙂  Even though I imaginary wondered about your stomach and was worried about you being stressed by my diseased state and that might rehurt your bellybutton.

Sir just got up again.

Time to go!

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