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Blogging
I’m still struggling. Pain has become a part of the fabric of my everyday life – a low background ache that ebbs and flares over the course of all of my waking time. I have clearly failed at my writing every day goal. I don’t even know if I care.
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My dog died. He was my baby. He got sick and was in pain, for days, I took him to the emergency room three times, and finally I took him to a different hospital and he didn’t come home again. They said he probably had cancer in his spine. It’s been three weeks, today, since he died.
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Not Writing
I’m struggling. Â Meds are all messed up and my doctor had to change an entire schedule of treatment because things aren’t going the way they’re supposed to go. Â Which is depressing in and of itself, but the meds not working also CAUSES depression and instability, so… extra awesome.
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Guilt
SB got punished on Monday. Â He’s been a miserable wreck all week. Â It’s now Thursday night and I found myself not wanting to be in the room with him because… he’s just… sad. Â And then I was really annoyed with myself for my reaction, but I can’t stop feeling this underlying anger towards him for… being sad. Â Which is HORRIBLE!
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Need (Moments with Sir)
“Girl, come here, I need you.” I wipe my hands on the towel hanging from the over door and walk into the living room. Â Sir is on the couch, the light from the TV flickers over his face, making his eyes glitter. “Yeah?” Â My hands are still damp and I wipe them on my jeans. Â Sir isn’t looking at the TV. Â I follow his gaze with my eyes, but see only the empty corner and the piano. “I need you…” “Yes, Sir,” I say, feeling my brow tighten in confusion. Â I am afraid that I’m missing some important signal, that I’m failing to meet an expectation. Â But I don’t know…
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Whipping
SB was punished tonight. Â He’s miserable. Â And it was all miserable. Â Someone asked me about my feelings about SB getting punished and… it’s a long topic that I don’t have time to write about tonight, or the emotional energy, but it sucks. Â And I hope it isn’t as sucky for him when I’m in trouble because if it is, I’m going to have to work much harder to not get in trouble. Sir said to be in bed at 9:15, which means I have 4 minutes. Â So… Â I’m going to move my ass. Goodnight world.
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Family
Someone asked how I identify with the guys in my life… so… I don’t really know. But I guess I consider Sir and SB my family.  Sort of.  I still am not totally sure  but for now that seems like an okay definition.  We’re a coalition of some sort.  K and J are friends.  I was asked if they are like extended family and I suppose they could be.  I think I have them in the friend category, but definitely the most intimate friends I have, or any of us have, I think… They witness and participate in our lives in ways that nobody else does, which… definitely requires and…
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Day
I was the only person from my work who showed up to a district thing tonight. Â Other buildings had teams there. Â I was the only one. Â And nobody told me I was going to be the only one… Â I expected seven other people to be there, too. Â But they all quit. Â I’m the only one who didn’t. I was embarrassed for my building, and for my staff. And I hung with some other people who were so negative about their kids… it made me depressed. And Sir has passed the plague back to me for a THIRD TIME! Â Fucking hell! My ears are all messed up and its making me…
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Imposter Bipolar Syndrome
I had therapy today and I was talking about my last manic episode, and as I was telling about this, I felt like I had made it up. Â As if, I know these symptoms and I had kind of LET myself have those symptoms, like I was exaggerating them to make myself more sick in the moment out of… attention seeking? Â (I was alone, but… you know… for my own attention?) Â I have this cognitive dissonance because, part of me has always felt like I’m not really THAT sick, I’m just exaggerating it.
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Suggestion vs. Order
“You should call your mom back…” “Yeah…” continues to type. “Call your mom back.” Sigh.
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