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Energy
I have none. I was at work until 6:30. Â That’s just ridiculous. We’re being filmed tomorrow. I’m supposed to dress up. They don’t understand how much I hate dressing up…
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Reflection
I spent a very long time writing that piece last night and I need to get to bed earlier tonight, so just a reflection on that experience right now… Â It was nerve-wracking! Â I rewrote the opening paragraph seven times… I was very anxious and panicky trying to write it. Â But once I got into it, it started to flow and I found myself really enjoying it. Â Just the initial panic attacks and fatalism were quite unpleasant. The thing I found the most difficult, though, was shutting up my perfectionism. Â I kept telling myself, “Shitty first draft” (and this may help clarify why that is a useful term rather than judgmental…
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SFD – Something completely different
The caked earth parted in gentle troughs beneath his touch. Â He twitched his fingers, closing the marks of his presence and jerked his hand back. Â Even so little effort left him numb and aching to his elbow and he could still feel the desperate hunger of the earth through his leather shoes. Â He shook his hand, as if he could fling away the tingling pain like water from his fingertips, and rose, stepping back into the shadow of the rocks. *** Outside of the longhouse, he scuffed one leather sole against the smooth stone path and smirked as Cael spun, his wings snapping half open, catching the faint torchlight through…
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Ease
Today is better. Â Sir stepped things up today and it helped. The dishes are done and put away. Â The laundry is done and put away. Â The kitchen is clean. Â The house is swept. Â The fridge has food in it for the week. Â I finished all of my school work that I needed done for tomorrow. Â I’m writing my blog post and it’s not even 8. I still don’t feel totally connected to my submission. Â And, even better, I think Sub Brother is struggling with his right now, too. Â He didn’t say it, but I heard him sigh when Sir told him to do something today, and… he NEVER does that!…
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Disconnect
I’ve been having some trouble with my submission lately. It happens now and then I guess, but I never remember that the next time it happens and get stressed about it all over again. I feel disconnected from my submissive feelings. On Facebook there used to be heated arguments over the phrase “feel submissive” because someone would come along and ask “Do you always feel submissive or does it come and go?” and people would get all high and mighty and say, “I don’t FEEL submissive, I AM submissive…” And… sigh… people. I got what those first people were asking because there are two parts to this. Â First, I AM…
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Food
I got in trouble today. I haven’t really been eating enough. Sir has historically been a little less hands on about my eating, I think, because of my eating disorder and it’s a more delicate area that I think he’s not been as sure of how his role should look in that arena. I guess today he stopped caring about that. It’s three days until the anniversary. Maybe that’s why I’m so sad tonight. Or that I pushed Sir until he got angry and scared. Or that… my health is so messed up and I feel so overwhelmed. Or that… I spent six hours on school work today and have…
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Penis Issues
I was traveling in Europe this summer and on a random stoplight housing, someone had stuck a penis sticker (a sticker in the shape of a penis). Â And it made me think about how often the penis is used as a symbol… of vandalism, of power, of intimidation… I was watching a strange show on Amazon last night, a remastered TV show from communist Romania – government produced and all kinds of communist propagandist… so very interesting. Â At one point one of the cops is trying to bully his way into the American embassy and the secretary insists he must sign in in a book. Â So he draws a crude…
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Mean Girl
I spent most of the evening curled up on Sir’s lap in the big armchair that we moved in yesterday from our old place… Â sobbing… over Michael. And I’m so frustrated with myself and I’m so… hateful… to myself… Â I’m angry that I haven’t spoken to this man in almost five years, and I can still spend two hours crying over him. Â I’m so angry that… I’m so angry that I ever loved him. Â I’m so angry that I ever let someone like him close enough to hurt me. Â I’m so angry that I believed him when he said kind things to me. Â I’m so angry that I believed him…
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Finding routines
So, it’s four days into the school year and I’ve already decided it is going to be seriously harder to write every day when I’m working. Â Dammit! August is a hard month, I’ve decided. Â I think last year I thought it was just because I was in the middle of a new diagnosis, and a million meds, and tests, AND BUYING A HOUSE! But that didn’t happen this year, and August still sucks. I think it is the disruption of our routines. August is the anniversary of T’s death, so it throws both Sir and me for an emotional loop. Â It is the transition back to work for both Sub…
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Fuck titles
Coming up with titles for posts is seriously more work than writing the damn post! In other news, I feel like shit, and I have body aches, which I usually only have with the flu or mold exposure. Â I don’t have a fever. Â The only place I have been was the museum this weekend. If the museum is moldy I’m just going to give up on life. To bed.
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