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Out of Place
Depression is trying to grab hold of me again today, so I’m fighting it… with all the energy that hasn’t already been sucked into depression. So… mostly I’m sitting here resisting curling up in front of the TV. Hooah! I had a pretty busy week for a summer week when I’m not working, and I think that was good for me in some ways, but it also meant I did a lot less writing than I wanted to, and that I am dragging hard today, so, you know, trying to slither out of writing today, too. So I’m fighting that urge, too.
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Impostor Syndrome
I have two people in my family who are professional artists (painters). Â One of them is… very average (she makes paintings that I could recreate, and I am absolutely not competent in visual arts). Â One of them is extremely talented (she makes paintings I couldn’t even begin to understand the skills behind and feel I am only skimming the surface with my big, clumsy, non-artist brain trying to begin to identify the technique involved in what she creates), and considers herself a skilled, successful, professional artist. The first person (average) is prolific (makes multiple paintings a day) and “successful” (sells her paintings regularly, has a large community of fans of…
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Recursive First Drafts
I know S doesn’t like the “Shitty First Drafts” idea, so this is for you, S.  🙂  I recently read an article by an author who is absolutely not on board with the whole “Shitty First Drafts” idea that is so common among authors.  It was first attributed to Hemingway who said, “The first draft of anything is shit.”  Then it was expanded by Anne Lamott in Bird by Bird where she said that the first draft is like letting a child play, it is unconstrained, just ideas flowing onto the page. Now, this other author says that this is all fine and good and that most authors agree with this particular…
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Being Normal
My life has been a long and strange pursuit of “seeming normal.”  I think I’ve gotten good at it at this point.  But it took a long time to learn to hide it this well. I had a psychotic break when I was 16, but I had (undiagnosed) early onset bipolar…symptoms showing shortly after birth, definitive symptoms by 2-years old… They documented them, but the “early onset” hadn’t yet become psychological knowledge, nor had “bipolar II.” And so I was undiagnosed, though my childhood was filled with periodic rounds of testing, experiments, trying to deal with these varied symptoms than left my parents feeling frustrated, impotent, and…at times, like…
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Bad News
I got some bad news yesterday. Â And some bad possibility that won’t be answered for a few more days. Â And… I just… I just can’t. I didn’t post last night. I should do a back post tonight to make up for it. But I can’t.
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Celebration
Period started early. Don’t have to deal with it on vacation.
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Sigh
Sir and I just had a very… complicated… conversation. Â I cried. Â I made Sir cry. Â I feel like I’ve been crying for five hours. Â My eyes burn, my head aches, and I feel like my entire face is swollen. Yay. Fuck writing. I’m going to bed.
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Output
I’m having a less than easy night. Â It’s not terrible – certainly not by the bar set by multiple nights this summer – but not… great. I think it’s depression, or at least the leading edge of a depression front. Sir thinks that possibly my feeling is akin to burnout (and potentially that’s enough to tip my bipolar back towards depression) because I’ve been… outputting intensely for several days and likely not getting enough inputting.
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Moments with Sir – Can’t?
Sir recently discovered that my new blog theme has emoji buttons at the bottom of posts and decided to go through all of my posts and “like” them with the emoji buttons. I found this both silly and mortifying and, without thinking said, “No, you can’t…” Â I caught myself and stopped, but… not soon enough. Sir looked at me. Â He wasn’t angry, I could see the faint glimmer of amusement in his eyes, but he raised his eyebrow and turned in the office chair to face me fully. “I what?” “Nothing…” “I can’t?”
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Adulting
A friend came over today and we had a lovely chat. Â Then I was chilling, having dinner with Sir and Sub Brother. Â Then I we were watching TV – we just started watching Suits and… it’s pretty good! Â Then I was lazily wandering around the house and Sir said, “Hey, don’t you have a class in the morning?” FUCK! So I just spent the last twenty minutes madly running around trying to find clothes (ONE clean bra left, SCORE!), finding my books, charging my laptop, finding my keys, packing a lunch, and trying to decide if I had to do laundry. And now I have to go to bed so…