Revisiting

Nobody tell Sir… I just spent an hour on Fetlife.  No, I didn’t talk to anyone, no I didn’t go in any groups, no I didn’t read any threads or check any profiles.  I was looking at my old writings that I had posted there.  I had remembered a couple I thought to copy and paste here so I’d have them in one place, then I got caught up in reading… my own writing… It’s been years, and I hadn’t looked at it in so long there were essays there I’d forgotten I’d written.

And in forgetting they were mine, I actually realized that they were fairly well written.

Then I thought, I wonder what happened to me that reduced my writing skills so drastically (fromt then to now).

Then I wondered… OMG, is it true or am I in the matrix???  Maybe I write just as well as I used to, but I can’t see it.  I only see differences in quality, but they don’t actually exist.

And then my brain pretzeled out with…  MAYBE I wrote better then because I was less worried about how well I was writing, and now I am so worried about writing well that I write LESS well than I did when I was just ranting on Fetlife!

By the way (SIR!) I deactivated my account again.

I decided I didn’t have the mental energy to figure out which writings I want to migrate right now, but I know what’s there, now, so I can go back and snag them later if I want to.

I also realized something else.  When I was on Fetlife, I spent a lot of time in discussion groups, which meant I was basically composing mini-expository essays (or not so mini) on topics multiple times a day.

I don’t do that anymore.

It probably kept my hand in.

Also, the monthly “Hey, share your writing!” post from my friend on Facebook came around again today.

Some people shared blogs.

I shared nothing.  Because… closet.

But I realized that I couldn’t even share this blog if I wanted to because it’s not a “real” blog.  It doesn’t have a focus, it doesn’t have targeted articles, it’s just me brain-dumping in big messy piles.

So… yeah… judgment, with a side of judgment.  I’m good at judgment.

Then I start thinking about how I could change it, and make it “real.”

And then I think about how I could change… me…

And I start planning in my head…

I look up other BDSM blogs…

Think about things I could write…

And ignore the cold, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  The feeling that I should learn to listen to.  The feeling that tells me I’m losing myself.

Always losing myself… trying to be somebody else.

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