Safety Contracts and So Long

My therapist made one with me tonight. At least sort of made one. I wasn’t super cooperative.

I used to always cooperate with everybody. I was a “good girl.”

What did that get me?

I’m anorexic.

I’m a cutter.

I don’t have the ability to self-soothe.

So… they’ve taken away my cutting, want me to feed myself, try to get me into a safety contract so I can’t walk into the cold and fall asleep… Hypothermia is a good way to die… you just get sleepy and warm and go to sleep.

I didn’t promise I wouldn’t.

She negotiated something else, though I technically didn’t say “yes” so I think technically I’m not even under the contract she ended up giving me…

I would think people would be willing to let me cut if the alternative is killing myself. But people have ideas about things.

I asked my therapist shouldn’t there have been new coping mechanisms in place before taking all of my old ones? She said that I have to actually be in the pain to learn to self-soothe. I suppose it is like the idea of letting a baby cry so he learns to calm himself. Except I don’t have normal endorphin and cortisol responses to emotional pain and stress. Doesn’t that stack the deck against me already? Then take all my supports away and let me suffer… Without the endorphins everyone else has to at least numb it a little… Without the coping mechanism I found for myself to make up for those deficiencies… No, they just want me to suffer.

The subscription period for my web host that hosts this and my story site and the archive site is about to run out. I don’t really have the money to renew it… I’m thinking about letting it all expire. I don’t think I care anymore.

So if this all disappears… that’s the reason.

I have to go out in the cold… I have to take out the trash for tomorrow. Maybe I’ll go for a walk. It’s quiet. Peaceful.

If I don’t post here again… It’s been a nice run. Thanks for reading.