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Empathy and Puritans
We went away last night so I’m behind a post, but it was totally worth it! Â Sir planned it without telling us, he just said on Saturday morning to pack a bag for overnight and we got in the car. Â We stayed in a fancy hotel in the mountains, and we hot tubbed and we had an awesome night. Â It was really nice. Â And we came home today and got some chores done so all that I have to do tomorrow is some grocery shopping and… lesson plans, and we are going to K and J’s house for a barbecue tomorrow. Â So… it’s been a good weekend. Sir and I…
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Out of Place
Depression is trying to grab hold of me again today, so I’m fighting it… with all the energy that hasn’t already been sucked into depression. So… mostly I’m sitting here resisting curling up in front of the TV. Hooah! I had a pretty busy week for a summer week when I’m not working, and I think that was good for me in some ways, but it also meant I did a lot less writing than I wanted to, and that I am dragging hard today, so, you know, trying to slither out of writing today, too. So I’m fighting that urge, too.
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Being Normal
My life has been a long and strange pursuit of “seeming normal.”  I think I’ve gotten good at it at this point.  But it took a long time to learn to hide it this well. I had a psychotic break when I was 16, but I had (undiagnosed) early onset bipolar…symptoms showing shortly after birth, definitive symptoms by 2-years old… They documented them, but the “early onset” hadn’t yet become psychological knowledge, nor had “bipolar II.” And so I was undiagnosed, though my childhood was filled with periodic rounds of testing, experiments, trying to deal with these varied symptoms than left my parents feeling frustrated, impotent, and…at times, like…
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Awakening
Sir and I played today. Â It was an impromptu thing and ended up spreading across three rooms and a hallway before we ended up in bed (we don’t have sex, I mean literally ended up in bed – cuddling and aftercare). Â It was a kind of a wild, totally unplanned series of events, and Sir pushed some boundaries that I wasn’t totally sure about, but… it turned out weren’t terrible or scary like I assumed they would be, and ended up being kind of cool and fun… plus I totally feel more like a “real sub” now after my foray into the BDSM porn world. Â Not much more, but a…
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Ignorance and Justification
Someone said something stupid on Facebook, today. I know… Earth shattering news, right? The thing is, it was someone I really thought was better than that. And she is… in some ways… and not… in this way. She chose to go into a topic that 1.) she really knew nothing about, 2.) she had a strong emotional response to, and between those two things, she did what… most everybody does about a topic they don’t know a lot about and have a strong emotional response to. She said ignorant things. Now her ignorance wasn’t just ignorant… it became judgmental. Again, because she had misconceptions. Again, because she had strong feelings. …
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Ordinary Evening
So, two nights ago I wrote a technical manual about my relationship and the ways in which it is probably wildly different from the majority of people in relationships. Â And I’ll write more about those specific differences in more detail in future posts. Â But, tonight, I was thinking that despite the underlying framework of our relationship being so different, and the times when it manifests, we obviously look very different from vanilla relationships, it isn’t something that is just constantly manifesting. Â We are really, on a daily basis, probably not very obviously different from anyone else. So, to demonstrate, our evening tonight, which was quite an average weeknight for us.…
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This Thing We Do – Shadow 101
Someone asked recently for me to write more about how my particular relationship works. Â Then I was talking to my therapist today about my relationship, and I got into a conversation about the… plane of intensity that my relationship occupies in terms of some general categorizing of BDSM or D/s relationship types – granting that human experience is infinitely diverse and cannot, actually, in any way accurately be categorized. So… Â since it’s all relevant in my mind tonight, Â here’s a top of my head FYI. I tend to categorize in my own head a difference between BDSM and D/s – not everyone differentiates the same way I do, but I…
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A Shadow Life
So… I talk about it often but never do it. I probably should try NOT talking about it and ACTUALLY doing it… but… baby steps. I’m going to try to write more. Like… Every day. For a year. I don’t know why I decided to do this. It did lead to an interesting conversation with Sir and sub brother. They pointed out that a year seemed really ambitious and why didn’t I try writing every day for a week first… then I could extend my goals. But I felt that a whole week seemed way too overwhelming to commit to!
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Perspectives
I had a rough day yesterday. I made some poor choices about caring for myself and my body. Last night I was punished for those choices. This morning I was… not punished really, because it wasn’t for something I did wrong, but… I was punished. Because I can’t use better words than that because I am still embarassed by this aspect of my life and my relationship. And isn’t that just sad?
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Midsummer Night’s Mania
It’s July, I made it past the solstice, which is good, the ramping up/more sunlight every day thing is murder for my brain. Â But summer is still hard. Â There isn’t enough structure, even when I and the people around me work to create structure, it’s summer. Â I NEED some unstructured time or I will burn out and not be able to teach in August. Â But I also… don’t function well with unstructured time. Â And even the kind of structure I can create when I’m not working, (making plans, meals out, museum/zoo trips, social gatherings, daily chores, etc.) isn’t as strong as having a work schedule. Â So… Â I struggle. I’ve been…
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