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And the beat goes on…
It’s 6:50 in the morning. I actually got ready for work early, ate breakfast, and had time to have a cup of tea… I should really try to do that more often. This morning I had a reason. I had a meeting scheduled online with a friend. He didn’t make it. So I’ve been sipping tea and meandering the internet. He may have had a crisis to deal with… Things happen. Aren’t I being so rational and mature? It’s all a lie. But I’m a good liar.
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Submission
Sir has forgiven me for my failure. I am grateful for that. Forgiving myself is… hasn’t happened yet.
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I am not a switch…
I have said it so many times… I picture myself Nixon-esque in my denial. And maybe equally dishonest… Although not as intentionally as he was.
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Broken Toys
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Candy Bar Wisdom
K just came in a few minutes ago. J dropped him off, is doing some shopping, then they’re headed to the mountains for the weekend. They invited me but I really need to do homework. So he walks in and I am at my computer, where I’ve been sitting since 5 this morning… Really, haven’t stood up (or hadn’t when he walked in) since 5 this morning. He takes one look at me and says out loud with quite child-like glee while clapping his hands together (he’s got a silly streak like that) “JAMMIES!”Â
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Broken Toys
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Untied Strings
Sometimes our strings must come untied…
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Euthanasia
Some times that decision is easier than others. Some times you can look at a situation and it rips your heart out of your chest but you know there is, absolutely, without a doubt, no other course of action but to end it all… Other times… there is doubt. Those are the bitch of a times.
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Finding myself again
I cried in therapy today. Only a little. I didn’t think I could… I have this fear that if I let the pain too close it will break through the dam and it will be a tsunami of destruction, that I will never be able to pull it back again. But I let it out a little, portioned it, by teaspoons, and somehow I was able to pull it back again, even though a couple of times I felt it swelling up against the dam.
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There’s something wrong with me…
Ironically I think that there is plenty wrong with me, but I never see the one big wrong that it all adds up to… That I will jump so quickly for love. And not like some women (and men) who will fall for every flattery thrown their way, at least I can claim that much self-respect at this point in my life.
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Quote of the Day – August 17, 2012
Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself. ~ Walter Anderson
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I Remember
I remember monsters under the bed. I remember earthquakes. I remember playing with my neighbor’s Barbie dolls and wondering if they would melt in the drier. I remember wondering if crayons would melt in the drier, too. They do. I remember Mt. St. Helens and cars covered with ash. The TV news was showing the mountain exploding, over and over again. I remember when Reagan was shot. It seemed like the TV was on all the time. Everyone got quiet when they talked about it.  They whispered about Kennedy, it was one of those things… “Where were you when you heard the news?” It’s just something everyone knows.