There’s something wrong with me…

Ironically I think that there is plenty wrong with me, but I never see the one big wrong that it all adds up to…  That I will jump so quickly for love.  And not like some women (and men) who will fall for every flattery thrown their way, at least I can claim that much self-respect at this point in my life.

I don’t fall for every guy who falls for me.  But when I do fall… I seem too willing to take too much.  I no longer fall for abusive guys, or straight up assholes… but I fall for guys with serious personal issues that can’t help but end up hurting me… over and over… and I keep trying to talk myself into all their good qualities and how great they are…  And it’s true, they have great qualities, but… underneath it is a fear on my part.  A fear I won’t find someone better.  I love this person so much and he actually loves me… how can I dare walk away from that?  No matter the cost and pain to me of staying involved with him?

And the how can I dare is the true “wrong” with me.  How can I walk away from someone who is willing to love someone as broken as me?  I see all my flaws and stack them up in a pile and think they make me lesser…  Undeserving.  I should be grateful for scraps… and even more grateful when I get more than scraps…

Beggars can’t be choosers and when I actually stumble on something amazing (except for that getting my heart ripped apart on a regular basis) I figure, shit, if somebody in the celestial machine missed that I don’t deserve this person… I’m not going to walk away.

But maybe those are still the people I deserve…  The ones who really love me, who treat me well, who make me smile, make me feel wanted, make me feel loved and accepted… but are broken by their own issues that make them disappear, run away, reject me and then pull me back in, again and again…  It’s tricky because they actually have good hearts, the men I find now…  I used to find utter assholes, those were easier to classify at least.

But now it’s these mixed up things and I don’t seem to have the willingness to stand on my own two feet and say, “I deserve better than this.”  Really?  Do I?  Better than men who do actually love me and make me feel good, even if it’s only half the time?  Even if they run away and wander paths that take them away from me?  Even if they hurt me (they aren’t doing it on purpose…) the good should outweigh the bad, right?  And beggars can’t be choosers.  Maybe 70% is the best I can get.

Everyone tells me it’s not.  But I look at myself and I think…  I could ask for more.  But is that reasonable?  I could ask for a man who I find attractive (I have historically dated men I didn’t find attractive, because beggars can’t be choosers, right?)

I could ask for a man who is attractive to me AND treats me well (now I’m just getting a bit greedy, but then it happens and I think, hey… maybe it’s possible…)

I could ask for a man who I find attractive, and treats me well, and isn’t so broken inside his own heart and mind that he will, inevitably break my heart over and over again forever if I let him…  But really now…  At what point do I have to look at myself and say, “You don’t deserve everything, choose the one thing that matters most and stick to it…”

I could probably find a good man (maybe) with a good heart who would love me and treat me well (maybe).  I could probably find a man I’m attracted to who is also attracted to me (maybe).  I could probably find a man who isn’t broken and fated to devastate his own life and all those who touch him (not completely sure about that).  But all three?  Who do I think I am?

And shouldn’t I have higher self-esteem than that?

I get two out of three and I make excuses for the third…

I’m tired.

And there’s this whole pile over here of things that are wrong with me.  And I tell myself maybe if…  If I was more attractive…  I know I’m pretty but I could more with it, I could wear makeup, dress up nicely on a daily basis, really put some effort into it.

I could lose weight, I could finish school and actually have a job (one more semester… one more semester!)  I could… go back on medication and maybe keep the bipolar more under control than it is (though, for fuck’s sake, I’m so healthy on that front now that I’m more sane WITH bipolar than most people I know without it).

I could be less shy, I could be less uncertain of myself, I could get over my sexual issues (have to do physical therapy).  I could do all these things and make myself “better” so I could feel I deserve “better” men.  But until I do them I feel I can’t complain about how I’m treated, I can’t wish for someone I actually feel attracted to AND who treats me well.  I can’t expect to be loved for who I am by a man I love body and mind without paying some kind of price.

I think my therapist would say there’s something wrong with that… even though it has its perverse line of logic in my own head.

I don’t think I’m worth more than what I’ve gotten.

Maybe that’s the biggest thing to change.  Screw the makeup and clothes and losing weight.  Fuck the bipolar, I really AM more sane than most people who get to trample through miserable lives flying the flag of “At least I’m not ‘mentally ill'” as if the label and not how you live is what actually matters.

Maybe the sex can wait because a truly good man will wait for me, even though that alone made my last boyfriend so hard for me to let go of… he gave me everything I wanted (mostly)… he was kind, he didn’t want to hurt me, he would wait for the sex, he was good looking (to my eyes) he made me feel good, he liked my body… how could I let him go?

Just because he broke things off every other month, because he never committed to me, because I was second to another partner (poly not cheating)…  and now second to the words of men he sees as the words of God in the form of the Bible.  Religion is fine.  Great.  He can’t be with a nonbeliever (he is light, I am darkness… the bible says so, it must be true).  It’s just another reason he’s the wrong one.  But how much do all those things add up to in the balance?  Yeah he rejects me on a regular basis…  Yeah I’m his second choice…  But… could I really do better?  Could there be a man who will give me all that he’s given me and NOT reject me regularly?  Not refuse to commit?  Am I so worthy that I can expect such a thing?  Demand such a thing?  Respect and love in all aspects, not just some?

I’ve told him it’s over, for good this time.  Whether I deserve better or not… I guess at least I’m healthy enough to eventually decide that I’m better off alone than with constant relationship whiplash.

But shouldn’t there be a third option that exists in my head?  Isn’t that what it means to REALLY be healthy?  Be alone, or be in a relationship that’s doomed to perpetual visitations of agony and uncertainty…  or find someone who is both all the things I want, AND who loves me as I am.  I imagine that’s what really healthy people think.

I guess I’m not there yet.

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