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Shit Day…
That’s today. Â A shit day. Â I’m done. Â I was literally ready to quit my job by 8:00 in the morning. Â Thank God for my supervisor who must have sensed it in the force and stepped in to save my morning… Â Went to lunch feeling pretty good, then the afternoon went to all kinds of hell.
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Living and Dying
It’s been, I just realized, 4 months plus since I last posted. Â I don’t even want to talk about it because it feels pointless to say anything else about it. In August I got a diagnosis for what has been going on with me for years. Â There were all these, “This is hopeful! Â Now we know what it is and we can fight it!” speeches. Â But I’ve heard those speeches too many times and I tried hard not to invest any hope in this new round. I wasn’t completely successful.
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Perspectives
I had a rough day yesterday. I made some poor choices about caring for myself and my body. Last night I was punished for those choices. This morning I was… not punished really, because it wasn’t for something I did wrong, but… I was punished. Because I can’t use better words than that because I am still embarassed by this aspect of my life and my relationship. And isn’t that just sad?
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Moments with Sir – Ownership
This is something I wrote for the list I run… I don’t think I ever published it here. Â I think I intended to, but just never felt motivated enough to “clean it up” and make it more neat and tidy for this posting. Then I was talking with my friend S, and telling her about it and I realized I never had shared it here (and thus she hadn’t read it, obviously) and that… it actually illuminates a complicated to explain aspect of my relationship with Sir. Â I don’t know if this will uncomplicate it, but it will, hopefully, demonstrate it… Or not… Â Meh. Â I’m not going to bother cleaning…
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Anger
Oh anger. I’ve been struggling lately with anger. I’m just angry all the time. And disillusioned and bitter and cynical and jaded. I feel inundated by the massive awfulness of the world and humanity and as if there is no point to anything because… human existence on a whole is just an inescapable welling mud that will drown us all – the good of us along with the bad.
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Sunday Night Thoughts
This is such a crap blog (I just typoed that as “carp”). Â I always think about how crappy it is… my posts aren’t thematic or pointed or even on topic beyond “Sunday Night Thoughts.” Â Wow, Shadow, stunning work, really. Â I have no idea why people even come here anymore.
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Irony
A random bit of writing inspired by events of the evening… Sorry not much commentary here. I’m tired, it’s late, and I’m under threats of dire consequences if my “ass is not in bed in the next thirty seconds…” Are dominance and a tendency to hyperbole carried on the same gene or something? Seriously… It seems to be a thing.Â
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Poem of the Day – Silent Weeping
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I Want… I Need
I want to cut. I want to bleed.
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A Broken Man