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Maintenance
In our conversation I told C that Sir is starting maintenance. He’s planning a week, we’ll see if things are stable by next Wednesday. C was unfamiliar with the term, and logically associated it with a car. Which, surprisingly, surprised me into laughter. I’m not sure why that association hadn’t already been at the front of my mind. Why I hadn’t anticipated that confusion and made a different choice than use the term without explanation. Another moment of failed awareness in conversation. I’m doing a hell of a job this week. Maintenance spanking is a thing in some BDSM circles. It’s hotly debated in others. Derided in still others. Doing…
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Broken Toys
In the kink world the implements are called “toys” and that’s the terminology we use around here, but we don’t always “play” with our “toys.” Indeed, that is a very specific type of interaction and probably the one we do least frequently (don’t feel bad, we’re good with this!) Punishment can mean a lot more than impact (spanking, paddling, etc.) but for this discussion I’ll be referring to impact activities. What happens most frequently is punishment (yes, actual punishment, as in, if I never earned another punishment for the rest of my life, I wouldn’t be sad about it!) or maintenance which isn’t exactly punishment, but it’s pretty similar and…
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Life and Pain
I’ve been struggling super hard. I feel like a failure all the time at everything. Sir has me on a new plan, as he and SB are at work, and I’m off for the summer. We’re using an app called Ike, rather than a traditional to-do list. It has, basically, urgent items, important items, “fit it in if you can” items and “back burner” items. Each evening he goes over it with me and we set my goals for the next day. Every day, “write” is on the “important” list. I’ve just about gotten ready to give up and put it on the back burner list. Or just delete it…
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Against the Walls – Moments with Sir
Sir and Sub Brother have been home for a few days. It’s been nice to have them back. But it is also lonely because it feels as if my issues are walls that keep us all separated from each other. Tonight, I took my meds early, took several deep breaths, and then asked Sir to play. I expected him to say, “no.” He’s relaxed the “no touching” rule since they’ve come back, but… play is a whole other level of… potential landmines. Instead he asked me to sit and had me explain my feelings and thinking to him. I squirmed and stammered and blushed a lot. It was uncomfortable to…
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Shut Up, Brain!
Sir smacked my butt tonight because I said something stupid in the kitchen (stupid along the lines of – “Oh, maybe it’s okay to eat these almonds that are coated with eggs, ’cause, maybe I’m not allergic to eggs anymore… I’ll just try a couple or five handfuls and see…”) Because I’ve been losing weight again, my jeans are getting baggy (and I JUST bought them a month ago! Fuck!) and they’re pretty thick so the swat didn’t have the effect I’m sure he intended. And because I’m doing just awesome with my bipolar right now and have no filter on my brain, I totally started to say, “That didn’t…
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Broken Toys
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Q & A Punishment
What emotions do you feel during a punishment? Wow, this is already hard, and it’s just the first question. Â Emotions can be different in different situations and at different stages of the punishment, but almost always sadness, anxiety, sometimes fear or panic at a certain stage. Â After being punished, a little while after I often feel peaceful, relaxed, relieved. Does punishment work? For what? Â It kind of depends on the purpose one is assigning to a punishment. Â For me, the purpose of punishment is to help me let go of my own rumination on mistakes I’ve made, and it helps me to feel confident in my place in my relationship,…
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Moments with Sir – Punishment Paddling
The light glints off the black case of my phone. Â I wonder at the absurdity of the mundane things my mind fixates on in these moments… Â The light on the logo of my cell phone case… The small scrap of paper on the desk. Â The reflection, warped by the facets, in the empty water glass. I should be scared. Â I can feel something, deep in my belly, like a snowstorm cold and blowing, but it is as if I am watching it from indoors. Â Watching through thick windows and sturdy walls, hearing only the faintest murmur of its roar, feeling nothing of its cold. I hear Sir move behind me…
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Weary
Sir is going to meet with K on Friday night. Â He’s going to get beaten. Â It’s a thing they do, and… I’ve made peace with it in the past, but this time it’s upsetting me. Â Sir and I have talked this through and he wants me to write about it now. I talked to Sub Brother last night about it, too. Â And with my therapist today. Â And with Sir tonight. Â Here’s what I’m clear about… Â I don’t want Sir to not go through with it. Â I do want to solve my own problem with this so I can be okay with it.
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Moments with Sir – Can’t?
Sir recently discovered that my new blog theme has emoji buttons at the bottom of posts and decided to go through all of my posts and “like” them with the emoji buttons. I found this both silly and mortifying and, without thinking said, “No, you can’t…” Â I caught myself and stopped, but… not soon enough. Sir looked at me. Â He wasn’t angry, I could see the faint glimmer of amusement in his eyes, but he raised his eyebrow and turned in the office chair to face me fully. “I what?” “Nothing…” “I can’t?”
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Manic – Part 2 – Moments with Sir
For someone’s birthday… since she wants to know… and because I keep fading to black… Sigh. Happy birthday! This is the second half of Manic. *** The fog of dreams gives way to a replay of last night across the back of my eyelids. I groan and throw my arm across my eyes. It does nothing to stop the flood of memory and I pull my pillow over my face. Sir tugs it away and I cover my face with my hands. “What?” I can feel him shift in the bed beside me but I don’t move my hands. “Me!” He shifts again and I feel his fingers close around…
