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Froggy-ness
I sometimes worry about the amount of energy Sir has to spend on me. Â Last night I had a panic attack… at 10 at night, when we were all trying to sleep. It’s probably because my asthma was terrible all day and I was pumped full of steroids and I had a lot of work to do today and… perfect storm for not sleeping. But really… he took me from bed and took me downstairs and pulled the futon onto the floor and laid us both on it and then he just did deep pressure on my body for literally two hours until I could almost, mostly sleep… then woke…
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Broken Toys
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Dribble Drabble Black Fire
It’s been a rough week. Â I feel too worn and raw to post about life today. Â But I have this stupid every day posting commitment that SOMEBODY thought was a good idea (Nice job ghost of Shadow past…), so I’m going to write a story snippet. I hate this. Â I hate sharing writing at all, and even more if it is unprepared writing, but I’m going to post raw writing (cringe) because… just… because… Somewhere in the next chapter of Black Fire…
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Shit Day…
That’s today. Â A shit day. Â I’m done. Â I was literally ready to quit my job by 8:00 in the morning. Â Thank God for my supervisor who must have sensed it in the force and stepped in to save my morning… Â Went to lunch feeling pretty good, then the afternoon went to all kinds of hell.
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Settling
Last night was, obviously, rough, but I talked to several good friends today and it felt so good to just… to reach out… and meet outstretched hands in return. Â It is still alien to me to share my feelings, to accept compassion, to… talk about… my real self. Â But it was positive and healing, and for those people and others who are probably wondering, I thought I would update today. Â Also, I’m trying to challenge myself to write every day. Â Writing a journal/blog post isn’t exactly my ideal of “writing every day” but I suppose when my baseline is “writing never” I will have to accept that any bar at…
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Living and Dying
It’s been, I just realized, 4 months plus since I last posted. Â I don’t even want to talk about it because it feels pointless to say anything else about it. In August I got a diagnosis for what has been going on with me for years. Â There were all these, “This is hopeful! Â Now we know what it is and we can fight it!” speeches. Â But I’ve heard those speeches too many times and I tried hard not to invest any hope in this new round. I wasn’t completely successful.
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Broken Toys
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Yes, Sir
I just got back from my workout (walking for a mile). Sir went with me despite the fact that he already did his run earlier this morning. I have been working up to walking this far ever since the pneumonia and the asthma (which followed the pneumonia just to be sure I could NEVER breathe again…). It’s been discouraging and disheartening. I’ve had times when I wanted to give up and let myself become progressively more out of shape, become a 600 pound woman and exist only to eat. I’ve been embarrassed (walking 100 feet and panting out of breath) feeling that the rest of the world was looking at…
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Sickerness
So walking pneumonia rapidly became ambulance ride and tubes in my arms pneumonia.  Terrific.  And it wasn’t my fault!  I took the antibiotics and rested and drank fluids!  I didn’t bring it on!  The ER said that pneumonia is just like that…
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I Want… I Need
I want to cut. I want to bleed.
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Good News Sadness
I got good news today. About time, huh? Cause we all know the universe OWES us and life is just one big math equation that eventually has to even out on both sides, right? Yeah…
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Euthanasia
Some times that decision is easier than others. Some times you can look at a situation and it rips your heart out of your chest but you know there is, absolutely, without a doubt, no other course of action but to end it all… Other times… there is doubt. Those are the bitch of a times.