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Revisiting
Nobody tell Sir… I just spent an hour on Fetlife. No, I didn’t talk to anyone, no I didn’t go in any groups, no I didn’t read any threads or check any profiles. I was looking at my old writings that I had posted there. I had remembered a couple I thought to copy and paste here so I’d have them in one place, then I got caught up in reading… my own writing… It’s been years, and I hadn’t looked at it in so long there were essays there I’d forgotten I’d written.
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Shitty First Drafts #2
Her ears are filled with the soft hum of the old computer tower, the susurration of traffic in the distance, and the rustle of the curtains as cold air whispers from the vent. Â And then with his voice, soft, gentle, but with an iron core of command. “Why? Â Tell me why.” “Because…” “Write it.”
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Why I’m Stuck
Note: Â This became a question/answer, except I didn’t write the questions (Sir was sitting here asking me questions and making me type the answers…) Â Sorry for the weird format. This is an on-demand writing… Â I’ve been sitting in front of the computer for almost an hour… looking at shoes… Â Sir finally came in to see what I was doing. Â Now he’s supervising me (so I can’t sit and look at shoes… I’m not even a shoe person! Â I literally own three pairs of shoes and wear one of them… Â but you know… Zappos!) So he told me to pick a prompt from a creative writing website and go with it.…
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Loneliness
I feel like… since I’ve been doing this “write every day, what a brilliant idea!” thing… I’ve felt, overall, a lot more… emotional upheaval, directly related to posting here. I have emotional upheaval all the time for other reasons, obviously, but there’s a particular flavor that is… this… daily writing. And it isn’t the DOING the writing (it was at first). It’s something else. And I’ve circled around it and poked at it, trying to figure out what it is, and I’m not sure I’m there yet, but I may have my fingers on an edge of it. I think… it feels as if… writing here makes me feel… lonely.
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Shitty First Drafts – #1
I had a dream last night. About her. I haven’t seen her in 10 years? 12? We haven’t spoken in 5… and that was just an out of the blue phone call.
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Creation
Depression sucks. Â It continues to suck. Â It sucks endlessly. Â Sir tried to help today (not that he doesn’t try every day). Â He dragged me out shopping. Â For groceries, but also to the art store where he bought be good markers (for my tangling) and two drawing journals (for my tangling). Â I ate pork rinds and macadamia nuts in the car on the way home (so much I didn’t eat any dinner) and Sir was annoyed. We sat out on the porch for two hours and I tangled all evening. Â I’m making progress. Â I’m seeing the potential for meditation, and the difficulty in my mindfulness. Â But I tried. Â None of it…
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Dribble Drabble Black Fire
It’s been a rough week. Â I feel too worn and raw to post about life today. Â But I have this stupid every day posting commitment that SOMEBODY thought was a good idea (Nice job ghost of Shadow past…), so I’m going to write a story snippet. I hate this. Â I hate sharing writing at all, and even more if it is unprepared writing, but I’m going to post raw writing (cringe) because… just… because… Somewhere in the next chapter of Black Fire…
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Ouroboros
Maybe this daily blog thing is doing something… Â It’s getting slightly less daunting to sit down every evening to write. Â I’m becoming slightly less obsessed with the need to write something “good” or “worthwhile” and slightly less judgmental of myself when I don’t do those things (which is good, since I haven’t written a single post I consider either of those, yet!) But what I had hoped might happen, might actually be happening. Â I don’t want to jinx it too early or anything, but… in the back of my brain I’ve been ruminating on the next scene of my Black Fire story. Â Nobody freak out, I have net zero words…
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Social Media and Creativity
I’m already hating my year commitment. Â Clearly I was right and a week was way too long a commitment to make. Sigh. Today was an okay day… But I think I’m just done with the school year. Â I’m going to pretend that’s what’s going on and this isn’t a larger, systemic problem… I just realized I lost my water glass between the kitchen and the office… Â And this is my life. I found it in the bedroom. Â Apparently I very carefully (with a coaster, even) set it out on the bed stand in the room I was planning to NOT be in for the next hour. Â I’m sure sub brother…
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Obligations
I got an email this week… from the archivist at a spanking story website…Â They want to post my old F/M writing that I’ve taken off the web.Â