This Thing We Do – Shadow 101

Someone asked recently for me to write more about how my particular relationship works.  Then I was talking to my therapist today about my relationship, and I got into a conversation about the… plane of intensity that my relationship occupies in terms of some general categorizing of BDSM or D/s relationship types – granting that human experience is infinitely diverse and cannot, actually, in any way accurately be categorized.

So…  since it’s all relevant in my mind tonight,  here’s a top of my head FYI.

I tend to categorize in my own head a difference between BDSM and D/s – not everyone differentiates the same way I do, but I have a general thinking of BDSM as more of the physical aspects of sadomasochism (of course it overlaps with emotional and relational, but just for rough sorting) and D/s as more of an authority exchange so more mental and relational.

So what Sir, sub brother and I do is… both… BDSM and D/s.  Although technically punishment would fall under the BDSM umbrella (being physical) while also under the D/s umbrella (being authority exchange) I actually find it easier to make a third category of punishment because… It is a significantly controversial issue in the BDSM and D/s community.  Many people do not engage in it at all, do not believe in it at all, and have violently judgmental attitudes towards people who do engage in it.  And that’s what I call “real” punishment dynamics.  There are a ton of people who also say “punishment” and mean “Ohh, spank me, I’ve been naughty…”  Which I would call roleplay under the umbrella of BDSM.  🙂  Who knew this shit was so political?

So, here we are.  We have a BDSM, D/s, and punishment dynamic relationship.  Sure.  That’s not that unusual (except the punishment part).  The BDSM part is pretty mainstream for BDSM people.  We aren’t too hardcore, we aren’t too extreme, when we play, it’s fairly average (in my experience) on the spectrum of intensity.  It would freak out vanilla people who were unfamiliar, probably, but to other BDSM people, we’re middle of the road or mild.

Punishment dynamic I’ve already touched on… highly controversial in my “community” of people (for lack of a better collective word for people vaguely like me on this characteristic).  Probably fodder for an entirely separate post.  But what’s important to me here is, it’s not BDSM.  At least, not in the sense I use the word BDSM…  It isn’t… play, it isn’t roleplay, it isn’t sensation play, it isn’t sexual play, it isn’t… pain play… it isn’t any of the things that I identify as under the BDSM umbrella.  So, in this way, we are, at least in broader circles, unusual and outcast by some in our community (if we chose to still associate with our “community”.)

Then we have our D/s dynamic.  D/s is shorthand for Dominance/submission.  That’s probably pretty self-explanatory, but here’s where it starts getting more complex.  A lot of people engage in D/s in short term… they take on the roles then shed them.  They take on those roles perhaps, in the bedroom (always or just sometimes), they take on those roles only with one other person whom they see periodically (not a spouse or regular partner), they switch roles with a partner or with various partners… There are many iterations but many people are only D/s part of the time.

Obviously my partners and I are D/s full time, so we are what is called 24/7.  Really subtle, isn’t it?  I know… the mysterious world of D/s labeling… Our authority relationship is engaged all the time.  It may not LOOK the same all the time.  The other night Sir was sitting on the floor, I was sitting in a chair, and he was rubbing my calves with his head on my knees.  I’m sure it didn’t LOOK very dominant to anybody.  But I was having anxiety and he was soothing me.  He was still “in charge” the same way he is still my partner.  He is my partner when we are happy, when we disagree, when I’m upset, when he’s upset…  Our fundamental relationship to each other doesn’t change, and I’d say the same about our D/s relationship to each other.

I should mention that most people in the D/s world call this type of relationship a “power exchange” but someone pointed out to me once that no one gives up their power (in this type of relationship, unless something is severely wrong), what they give up is their authority.  I give authority to Sir.

Now there are people like us, as in, they live 24/7 authority exchange relationships where one person has the authority to make decisions for the other person… but many of them are limited to certain areas…  Like the dominant partner can make decisions (if they choose) about what the submissive partner eats, or wears, or how much time he or she spends on Facebook in a day (ahem!) but not authority in other areas (how he or she spends money, how he or she interacts with their job or family, etc.)

Then there is us.  We don’t have carve outs of authority.  We (sub brother and I) have given complete authority to Sir.  That means there is no area that is “off limits” for him to exert authority.  He could, technically, tell me to quit my job and move to Timbuktu with him and would be within the rights I grant him in our relationship.  Perhaps more realistically frightening, he could tell me to cut off all contact with my family.

He wouldn’t.

But I do not bar him from picking up authority over me in matters regarding my family when and where he chooses to do so.

What we have is called a TPE or Total Power Exchange relationship because there is no area in which I do not grant him authority.  There are no carve outs.

In the D/s BDSM world, this is absolutely horrifying to many people.  I won’t even try to think about what vanilla people who had never even been exposed to this would think…

TPE is considered hard core.

But wait… there’s more…

Not only are we a TPE relationship, we are…  an M/s (though I’m losing my taste for that label) and/or an O/p relationship (this one still makes me cringy, too, but mostly because of what I think other people will think of it….)

M/s means Master/slave.  I don’t like the terminology because, obviously, this is not supposed to be the same as actual slavery, but the parallels are disturbing and using the same words makes it more disturbing, so even though I still call D my master at times, I’m becoming more and more sensitive about it.  I think as I have left the community, I’m less regularly exposed to that language so the secondary meaning that it has to my community has waned and the common definition become more prominent in my consciousness lately…

So the O/p definition…  O/p meaning Owner/property.  Which, also, echoes slavery and thus touches my squicky place.  But… at the same time, it is a level of psychological understanding of his and my relationship that I haven’t been able to explain any better way, and so it will have to stand for now.

Usually I don’t have to define who we are, so… loophole!  But for today… he and I are M/s or O/p.

I might also dislike these terms because I knew totally asshole people in both of these communities with whom I disagreed COMPLETELY on many points of definition of both the relationship and the roles of the participants…  But that’s another kettle of clownfish as well.

I think that the ownership aspect of our relationship becomes relevant only occasionally.  Most of the time if the more intense levels of our relationship come into play it is more along the lines of the more difficult areas of a TPE.  But every so often the O/p comes into it.  I’ve written about it a couple of times, and I will try to do more in the future.

But, O/p, is one of the more intense and… potentially discomfiting (for others) types of TPE relationships.  There are some that are… more intense… which, I have problems dealing with… levels of dehumanization that I begin to struggle with accepting.  And sometimes I wonder if there is really a “line” beyond which a relationship can’t be healthy, or if it’s all our own perspectives.  Many MANY people (even in the BDSM community) would call my relationship abusive, would say that I’m… brainwashed, or doing this because I’m acting out some kind of pathology.  Maybe they’re right, but… I don’t feel abused or unhealthy.  And knowing that they judge me because of the distance my type of relationship is from their type of relationship, I am hesitant to likewise judge people who have a type of relationship equally distant from my own who may be perfectly healthy and happy as well, but beyond my ability to comprehend…

So, ultimately, what I realized (I didn’t explain all of this to my therapist, just superficially) is that… not only am I outcast to the vanilla world for who I am (and I’m not talking about the BDSM or sexual aspects of my relationship.  I think more people could potentially wrap their brains around that part).  I am also outcast by a large percentage of the BDSM and D/s world as well.

There is a lot of lip-service to inclusivity, and non-judgment in the kink world.  And maybe to some extent their is a broader set of behaviors and identities which are commonly accepted.  But we are all still human beings and human beings judge what is different.  We draw lines, we create out groups.  Kinky people don’t get to escape being human beings.  And so kinky people have just as much potential to be judgmental as vanilla people, perhaps even more so for their self-congratulatory superiority about being inclusive.  I think that, in itself, blinds many kink people from seeing their own judgment.  The way many self-congratulatory people can be blinded by their own praise – I know feminists who can’t see their own discrimination (lack of intersectionality).  I know men who congratulate themselves so busily on supporting women that they actual MISS supporting women in real ways…  I see white people so proud of their “color-blindness” that they actually fail to create equality in their spaces.  I think kink people are susceptible to the same.

And because the type of relationship I have doesn’t fall within that collection (broad though it may be) of commonly accepted identities, I am not only judged by people outside of kink, but within it as well.

And really, I know that shouldn’t matter.  We don’t engage with any kinky people anymore other than our small circle of friends.  And really, I’m happy about that.  I don’t want to be a part of the community any more.  I really wasn’t happy there.  I didn’t like it there.  I was frequently harmed by people there.  But somehow, I’m still angry that I am outcast and judged by them.

Sir thinks I’m finding something to be angry about, and maybe I am.  But… it’s not a very Buddhist evening for me.

And some people wanted me to write more about what my specific relationship is (BDSM terminology, etc.)  I know this is a rambling, off-the-cuff set of definitions, but maybe it will be a starting point that I can use to write some more precise and interesting posts later on.  🙂

So, my TPE, M/O/D-type says I’m ten minutes late for bed, and so I shall go.

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