What ifs…

I haven’t eaten for three days. My mental processes may be compromised.

I’ve had this pain on and off for a week or so, then so intense I can’t eat for the last three days. Call to the doctor got me, “Might be an ulcer, or pancreatitis, or just a stomach bug…” Helpful! Sir is insisting on a Kaiser visit tomorrow.

I’ve just been trying to survive the week, but tonight, maybe because it’s a Friday, I went into fatalistic mode. Of course this happened. Of course I can’t actually do the diet that is my last chance to actually not die from this disease because for some reason my body can’t handle the only treatment I have left. Because… of course…

My stories don’t have happy endings.

Sir says that is very global thinking and this is probably not related to my diet.

But… Everything else has always gone wrong. Every medical treatment ever has gone wrong… gone some unexpected way… and been untenable.

I took bipolar meds for 10 years under the care of the premier bipolar neuro-biologist and psychiatrist in the state… I took cocktails of as many as 10 different drugs at a time. I took over 50 different drugs. Never… did the drugs work the way they were supposed to. Never did I respond “typically” to treatment.

Every treatment for my thyroid and autoimmune disease has gone the same way.

Why would this go any differently?

And why, after all this time, would I let any hope slip in so that I could be let down by another failure?

Sir says it might just be a bug.

It might be an ulcer from the Advil I downed during my period.

It might…

But why would it be?

This is my life.

I’ve heard this story before.