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Struggling
I’m sure I’ve hidden it so well, no one has noticed… but I’ve been struggling a little bit. Nothing life threatening, just crappy. I’m rapid cycling, but at the low end of the spectrum… so… if mood is a continuum… like a number line… and the distance between high mood and low mood is a constant, like… 20… (which it isn’t, there is no constants, but just for now…) I could go up to a high of 20 and a low of 0… or up to a high of 40 and a low of 20… Higher highs, higher lows. Or lower highs, lower lows… Right? It doesn’t actually work that…
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ok
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Zen Tangle
I recently decided I wanted to do cute lettering for my classroom library (I’m redoing my book buckets and making new labels). I’ve always just printed labels on the computer because I am… incompetent at anything cutesie by hand. But my teammate this year did everything hand labeled and it was so nice and colorful and cute in her room… and… I decided I could teach myself some cute lettering this summer and at least fake my way through some hand-labeled tags for next year. Then, in exploring how to make cute lettering, I discovered (or learned about, I’d heard of it before) zen tangling. It’s basically putting a random…
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Drop
Well… let me preface all of this with… I think drop just hit me. Could be letdown from work, could be garden-variety bipolar depression, but seems likely that it’s sub drop from playing on Friday night… because… the timing fits… and… because… it seems the most… logical. And right now, I need this to have a reason. I need it to make sense more than bipolar can ever do. So… this is drop. Probably for real, but definitely for my purposes. Drop. Some people explain drop as… you body used up a huge amount of your happiness hormones and it is now depleted until it can make more. I don’t…
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Moments with Sir…and Sub Brother
It’s been pointed out to me by someone recently that I rarely talk about sub brother, while I talk about Sir a lot. And I’ve been thinking about my response to that, and thought about making in a blog post. So during dinner I brought it up to sub brother and asked him if he would feel uncomfortable if I wrote about him on my blog. He gives me a wide-eyed look and asks, “Me? Why do you want to write about me?” “Because, you’re important to me, you’re my partner and my friend and… I write about Sir all the time, but I hardly say anything about you.” “Well,…
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Moments with Sir – Promise
Sir steers me into the kitchen as we are getting ready for bed.  My back is against the refrigerator door, and he stands close to me. He brings my hands up, palms together, between us, holding them between his own hands so he has to speak.  He looks at me for a long time then he says, “I need you to do something for me.” I can’t use my hands either, so I nod and murmur, “Yes, Sir.” “I’m going to ask two questions.  You will be honest.” “Yes, Sir.” “Promise me.” I swallow because I’m getting nervous, but I nod.  “I promise.” He looks down at our hands, then looks…
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Top Drop
So… for some of my readers this is going to be S/M 101, sorry… Â Most of the readers I know of aren’t super hardcore into the kink scene so I need to make sure I explain terms (if this bores you, of course, do move on…) So, when people “play” heavily, so… that could be physical or psychological/emotional heavy, or, often, both, there is a lot of chemical action in the body and the brain… there is adrenaline and endorphins and all kinds of crazy chemistry mixing up and once the scene is over, either shortly after or even starting a day or two after, the bottom (the one on…
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Visitors
After I post, I usually go and check my blog to make sure the post looks the way I want (and because I’m such a good writer, I revise AFTER I publish…) Â And I sometimes notice my revolver map (lower right hand side) and see other people blinking on the map. Â Tonight there are two others, and it always gives me a little smile and I send a mental wave. I have a program that shows me my visitors (don’t worry, it doesn’t know who you are, just where your server logs in from in the world) and sometimes I am struck by… how many different places people come from…
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Letting Go
Today was my first day of summer break. I worked on lesson plans. Â For next year. Â For six hours. I washed dishes and vacuumed. I read teaching books. Â For four hours. That’s my day. My entire day. Tonight depression got hold of me, and I think, maybe I was just running away from it coming all day because I knew that it would.
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Froggy-ness
I sometimes worry about the amount of energy Sir has to spend on me. Â Last night I had a panic attack… at 10 at night, when we were all trying to sleep. It’s probably because my asthma was terrible all day and I was pumped full of steroids and I had a lot of work to do today and… perfect storm for not sleeping. But really… he took me from bed and took me downstairs and pulled the futon onto the floor and laid us both on it and then he just did deep pressure on my body for literally two hours until I could almost, mostly sleep… then woke…
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