Personal Journal
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Bodying
I’ve been able to eat more the last couple of days… like… soup… and a few pieces of meat. Â Which, really, isn’t a lot of food, but after four days of 1 teaspoon of unflavored gelatin… a day… this seems like feasting. My stomach isn’t perfect, but it’s definitely better. Â I’m still anxious about eating and still eat small amounts then wait to see if it’s going to hurt, then eat another small amount… I skipped lunch today because I was too afraid that I would eat and then be too sick to teach again like happened last week. But… you know… progress. Except I’ve lost 20 pounds now (not…
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Surviving
Sometimes I can do focused posts, like… you know… a real blog. Â Where I have a topic, and I write about that topic, and it’s all coherent and shit. Then there’s the end of the school year. Â And all I’ve got right now is survival. Turns out I have an ulcer. Â So… yeah. Â I’m naming it after six of my students. Sir has been having a hard week, and me being sick has been just a huge extra burden on him. Â He doesn’t say that and he doesn’t act that way, but I know… I know he’s been scared for me because of little things… Â I’ll probably write about them…
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Logic
Short one tonight, we’re having a rough evening in the household, here. Earlier tonight Sir said that my jeans are getting too big. Â I said, “No, I just haven’t washed them for a couple of days.” Both Sir and sub brother look at me like I’m strange. Â But seriously! Â Jeans are tighter after you wash them! Â I’m not strange! Sir says, “Jeans you have to wash every day to make them fit are too big…” Which is just ridiculous. Â Washing them every day is a perfectly valid solution, and totally isn’t going to end up costing more than just buying a new pair of jeans! And not eating frees up…
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Starvation
Well, my food consumption for the day: Breakfast – 1 tablespoon of herbal tea gelatin, unsweetened Lunch – 3 tablespoons of coconut milk yogurt, unsweetened Dinner – 2 tablespoons of herbal tea gelatin, unsweetened, 1/2 cup of chicken bone broth My stomach isn’t trying to kill me anymore. It’s still tender and gets mad when I eat more than 2 tablespoons of anything. Â (Lunch was a problem.) My eating disorder is having a field day… Â If I keep up eating like this, I’ll lose TONS of weight! And then I’ll die. Sigh.
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Comfort Food
I’ve been having trouble with my stomach recently. Â Mostly it’s right after breakfast, I get pain in my stomach that gets pretty bad, but it usually goes away in 30 minutes to an hour. Â Then today it happened during lunch. Â I didn’t finish eating. Â Then it just got worse and worse and freaked out my students AND my co-worker who just texted to check on me and said I went completely pale and she thought I was going to pass out in front of the class. Â (I didn’t realize that part, I just thought I’d pass out from pain.) Sir was thinking it was a problem adjusting to the higher…
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Ouroboros
Maybe this daily blog thing is doing something… Â It’s getting slightly less daunting to sit down every evening to write. Â I’m becoming slightly less obsessed with the need to write something “good” or “worthwhile” and slightly less judgmental of myself when I don’t do those things (which is good, since I haven’t written a single post I consider either of those, yet!) But what I had hoped might happen, might actually be happening. Â I don’t want to jinx it too early or anything, but… in the back of my brain I’ve been ruminating on the next scene of my Black Fire story. Â Nobody freak out, I have net zero words…
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The Broken Ones
I had a good day! I know, right? Â About damn time! So, first I had brunch in Boulder with my mom and my brother. Â Nobody said anything stupid and pissed-off making. Â And then we even went and shopped in Peppercorn (which is a stupid expensive awesome quirky housewares shop). Â I love Peppercorn! Then I came home and had dinner with the boys and K and J and their family. Â Then K and J came over here and we all hung out for the evening. Then S texted me on Facebook and we chatted, which was so unexpected and lovely. And now I’m actually feeling all smiley for the first time…
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Nothing Left…
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Shit Day…
That’s today. Â A shit day. Â I’m done. Â I was literally ready to quit my job by 8:00 in the morning. Â Thank God for my supervisor who must have sensed it in the force and stepped in to save my morning… Â Went to lunch feeling pretty good, then the afternoon went to all kinds of hell.
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Ordinary Evening
So, two nights ago I wrote a technical manual about my relationship and the ways in which it is probably wildly different from the majority of people in relationships. Â And I’ll write more about those specific differences in more detail in future posts. Â But, tonight, I was thinking that despite the underlying framework of our relationship being so different, and the times when it manifests, we obviously look very different from vanilla relationships, it isn’t something that is just constantly manifesting. Â We are really, on a daily basis, probably not very obviously different from anyone else. So, to demonstrate, our evening tonight, which was quite an average weeknight for us.…