I’ve been having a very difficult time. Medications are making some things easier, but ironically, unlocking doors to other things that my anxiety had been keep securely shut. Last week I had several… conflicts… with people.  None of them were huge.  All of them resolved easily and calmly.  Most of them weren’t even my fault, I just got put in the position of patching things up because… I’m good at knowing what to say to people to smooth things over. I rationally understand that those things weren’t significant conflicts.  I rationally understand that they were minor, and for the people involved, they were probably forgotten practically as soon as they…

I’m in a lot of trouble.  It seems to be that kind of season… I got punished after work today, and I’m getting punished again tonight, and I’m banned from Facebook indefinitely. And I feel incredibly lonely. I’m very stressed about being punished. And I’m very ashamed.  I’m ashamed of this aspect of my relationship and my dynamic.  I feel it is the hardest for anyone to relate to.  It makes me feel incredibly alone, because… literally no one I know has the same dynamic I have. And at times like these when I am scared, and anxious, and nervous, and sad… I most want to talk to someone… to…

So, first, I just have to say…  HOLY SHIT I almost just wrote this post on my vanilla blog!  SHIT!  I’m losing my grip, I have too many personalities!  And fuck, I hate having two personas and never being able to cross them.  Because of my article on Writing About Writing some people have responded to it on Facebook.  Some of their responses have been incredibly heartfelt and I want to reach out to them, and I CAN’T!  I don’t have a stealth Facebook profile, and before now, I never thought I needed one (what am I going to do, friend my two friends who know both of me and give myself – and…

I have a friend I’ve mentioned here before.  He is a writer and runs an uber-popular professional blog about writing.  Because I am a kind of geyser and sit quietly for a long time building up pressure before having explosions of risk-taking, I have followed him and chatted with him in small ways for quite a long time, but recently took a plunge (after reading one of his old posts) and reached out to him with some very personal things (big risk) and was very messy and impulsive and apologized too much all over him, and luckily he was okay with my messiness. He occasionally posts writing by “guest bloggers”…

So… things have been happening in my other life where I don’t talk about… this life (it’s so much fun having multiple lives!) I may have some people poking over and reading this site and, that is a really terrifying thought. When first it struck me that I might get a bump in traffic to this site, I was mortified at the thought of people reading my old stories (the ones up there in the black menu bar…)  I wanted to take them down, and I contemplated it seriously for a while.  I considered just unlinking their pages so they couldn’t be seen until the traffic died down (if any…

I’ve been reading some older posts that I don’t completely remember writing… like my brain has lost it’s corollary effect and no longer intrinsically recognizes the writing as my own, even though I understand on an intellectual level that it is my writing. My quite old writing, I hate no matter how much time has passed.  It was just poor writing and it’s hard for me to be forgiving of my beginner self. But my few months old writing I can almost forget was mine, almost read with fresh eyes, and almost appreciate. Which… is good… because I am consistently struck by confusion over why anyone would want to read…

I’m having anxiety. Probably because I ate a bunch of eggs the last three days. I’m allergic to eggs.  Though, technically, not…  because I don’t have an IgE reaction to them.  I don’t have an IgA reaction, either, I don’t think… at least the last test didn’t show one. Despite modern science, however, my body reacts to eggs by making me ragingly suicidal with a shit ton of anxiety. I didn’t eat the eggs on purpose… at least initially.  I bought these almonds, which are by a company that doesn’t use gluten or dairy, so I figured I was safe.  They’re almonds! And… my brain hasn’t been fully online for…

Ugh! I was diagnosed with pernicious anemia a couple of weeks ago (on top of iron-deficient anemia).  That means that my body makes antibodies to the cells that line my stomach.  The cells which produce stomach acid and intrinsic factor.  Intrinsic factor is a protein which binds to B12 (the vitamin) and allows it to be absorbed into the body’s tissues.  Without it, B12 just floats happily through your digestive tract and right back out of your body. Solution?  B12 shots for the rest of my life.  Excellent. Since my autoimmune doctor is an hour drive away, I do the shots myself at home. I’ve done a lot of shots…

There is an aspect of submission called “service.”  Not all submissives are oriented to service.  Not all dominants are oriented to service.  Individual people might be more or less oriented toward service.  And it can be a person’s entire orientation, or only one of several or many orientations as a submissive/dominant. Sub Brother is pretty highly service oriented.  I’m moderately service oriented.  T, Sir’s former partner, was not at all service oriented most of the time, but it would come up for him under specific circumstances, and he was more interested in service to me than he was to Sir. Sir can take or leave service.  He does service with…